Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Shitty day...

4th February 2013

Not going to type much. Rather exhausted for the time being, gonna keep it as short and as simple as possible. So today i woke up early.. as early as my baby piggy but she got up first and was already at school when i was just wondering what was going on. I woke up and i was still dizzy from...
Gah! you know what? forget about it!

Hoping For Things To Turn For The Better

1/15/2014 Wednesday, evening

     New Year has come and i realized that im sure to be posting something up here as if a new chapter has begun in life like everyone else thinks. Its been such a long time since i've posted something in a blog. Hoped that someone might read it and give me ideas, advices apparently it didn't happen. so basically im just talking to the blog itself. The greatest listener i guess? Anyways, there's so much to say i dont even know where to start. Perhaps i can start from what's been going on my mind for these couple of years. There was a time for me to make choices and hoped or wished that they weren't going to be bad choices even though i understood that people makes mistakes and gain experience in life and not repeat it in future. As for me, perhaps i've been going through mistakes for uncountable times. 
     I remember those days when i'd come home or stay back in school to play basketball and get in trouble for getting home late, those when i had carefree days and knowing what's gonna come tomorrow: either spanked by my teacher for not doing homework the previous days or basketball in the morning, school, break and basketball afternoon. I remember those days when one of my best pals would come over, tell me his problems, drink, play games and laugh, swim, basketball and watch movies. Sometimes he'll come alone but sometimes he'll be coming with another friend or more than one. But the days that i missed most were the days when i get to hang around with friends, relax and have a  few drinks with my best pals. 
     Apparently i feel that im losing that pal of mine. YES, its true that he's still around and will be able to listen to what i have to stay and feel for me. Still available for drinks. Even though he lives near but we seem so far away. I dont know why but whenever we used to have fights, i'd still want to meet up with him, apologize whether or not if its my fault because i guess that's what best pals are for. But i guess too that those days are over. Everyone has their own lives and own things to do and somewhere to go to. He has his college friends, his college life, his girlfriend to take care of, his photo-shooting sessions as a freelance. He's the closest that i can think of apparently cause i use to have "a few" but now its been a handful. But when you're in need, you turn to those who would not leave you behind. I used to have a couple of friends that call me their bestfriend but i figured out that apparently they may not know the meaning of it. All in all they do things that i dont like. Even though, yes they have been there at times when i was in need of listeners. But whenever i really need their help with something, they were never there for me. Not even to be there when my bike ran out of petrol or broke down. But they had time for their cards and games and their own friends of their own kind. I've other friends as well. They are close by but our hearts seem so far away. My basketball friends. They are still here for now like the rest of my friends when they were still around during high school. But im sure they have their own plans in life and targets to head to. The question that had been ringing and lingering in my head for such a long time was how long can they be still here? a year or two? Its 2014 now and time passes so damn friggin quick and here i am sitting and blogging. Why? cause i got nothing much to do while others pull on their shows and have started running ahead of me. I somehow feel that i've been left behind. Somewhere somehow i have a feeling everyone has their backs on me. Except the close ones. Everything that i do, like to do or able to do, everyone else seem to be doing it better than i am. I thought i loved baking cause of sweets and pastries and cakes, decorating and everyone can have a bright day with smiles on their faces ahead. But when i see the competition ahead of me, i held back. In terms of basketball, i can say that i could still be better and i could still improve. Today i had a game and there's this guy who changed marks because i was too weak that i dont need to be taken care of. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. He told me why after the game. He said "you're a stationary shooter," this was the part that i've felt that perhaps all the shots that i've made could have gotten myself a little credit till i heard a "but" on what he was gonna say after that. "I wasn't supposed to score but your team were supposed to be because when a playmaker scores, the game is lost.  You're a stationary shooter, i'll admit but if you're gonna continue to be playing in this court, you wont improve," those words stroke me hard. I didn't see that coming. Even though it wasn't a criticizion, it wasn't an insult, but it wasn't a praise either. I loved basketball a lot that i wanted to be stronger, better and and faster. But apparently, as i realized, i wasn't going anywhere with improvements unless i train myself.
     Not only in terms of basketball, but in everything else, i can always seem to find someone that can do better than that than i can. I have no idea why but i just kept on thinking about it. I've even read an article and it says its not healthy doing that but i just can't help it. There was once when i went to college but i made the wrong choice by quiting because of the wrong reasons resulting the wastage of my parents effort and money and also nothing to fall back to, not even a certificate. All this because of the wrong reasons. And now i dont have a path, i dont have an aim, i dont have a target, i dont have a place to go to, an objective to accomplish or a mission to complete. As much as i'd hate to admit it, im wasting my time. Im throwing them all away as they come. I looked at my friends or others around me and i can see they have a place to go and something to do. All of them either studying abroad or telling me they have lots of work and there's a lot of stress. But all i can do is talk about basketball. To be honest, in my family tree, aside from the younger once, im the last and the only one of its kind. The eldest brother is working as a party planner, come down from there were five younger brothers. One studying both local and abroad to become a doctor, his younger brother planning to study as a lawyer. No doubt about that because besides his brother, his grades were exceptional. The other two are engineers to-be. And then there's me. What am i? Basketball player? I have everyone's support and i deeply appreciate it. But somehow i can't make use of the help that i've got. Im not even sure i can even be called a basketball player. What am i good at? What can i do as a contribution to my family. Everyone has a purpose in life. I guess i haven't found mine yet. Or it could even be well in front of me. and i just couldn't see it.
     I've found that there are always pictures, videos, words and also ideas coming out of my head. I got a feeling that i can be writing stories. Books even! I love watching movies cause they inspire me with ideas. and not to forget reading books as well. There are a lot of ideas that i can come up with, with just a paper and a pen in front of me. i can constantly write on and on creating a story as i go. Perhaps i can be a writer? Perhaps its my destiny to become a writer?