12 June 2014

Its been a long time since i last sat in front of the computer to type these stories out. Things change as days go by. I've enrolled myself into a new college, Disted College in Hospitality and Business Management. I've been to KDU once and i didn't dare voice out because i can imagine the shame that it could bring to me. The shame that had followed me since the day i dropped out. I couldn't cope with the subject. But who wants to hear that excuse right? The truth was, i went in because of a friend and it could have been the worst choice that i could have made. And by making this stupid choice, i wasted my parents money and effort. Things didn't go well in that college and i couldn't see myself going anywhere. I was lost. Right now im still lost and im in a boat and following wherever it takes me. Unlike other people that knows what they want to be or what they want to do from the beginning, im still looking. Somewhere deep inside, i know but i just couldn't see it yet. 

But now i could say that im not exactly lost because at least i could tell myself and everyone that im doing something about it. I can't find out what i want or what i like to do because most of the things that i like to do, they could just be hobbies and i don't really see myself going anywhere if i follow that path. Now since im enrolled in this college, i just gotta work my ass off and not to waste my parents money and effort again. Not this time. This is one last shot for me. I couldn't bear it. At times i would think in my dad's shoes. He supported me and gave me a chance and i just threw it away. Im extremely grateful that he gave me a second chance and i kept on questioning myself, do i really deserve all this? Anyways, what's done is done. So right now i just gotta work it all out and work hard.

Recently i had a reunion with one of my friends that we practically grew up together in a day care. We lost contact. Well, still in contact but not all that much a few years back. But surprisingly she enrolled into the same college and course with me. So we started catching up. The thing is this Friday would be her birthday and there was a small surprise organized for her by her best friend that she came in together on the first day of college. Of course we made friends and things went on like this after that. It was expected that at least you came in with a friend. Not only both of them but then there are more of the people in our class that actually went into the same college and course together with us because of a friend. Which i soon realized that was a mistake. I once went into a college with a friend and things didn't turn out quite well. Well lets just leave it at that. But what i didn't expect the extend that this friend would go to do for the other friend. You see, during her birthday or before her birthday she organized a lot of things and done a lot of things for her. She planned and made sure that the things that she had in mind and planned followed to the letter. To make sure that her best friend was happy. I was a little jealous or envy. i wasn't sure of the word to describe because Elissa, the birthday girl probably had the best birthday in her life because of her friend Shervon. They were both best friends for 5 years. And that's actually quite a long time. How many friends can you actually get and stay by you for 5 years? Not many right? Treasure-able friends. There aren't many friends like this these days. There were two surprises: one was when one of our classmates buy one cake for her during the day of her birthday and then the other was the cake that she made herself for Elissa. Not only that but then she also asked everyone to make and decorated a card for her. It was a very beautiful card written and decorated by almost everyone, probably everyone in the class. And then there was also another card given to her by her very own group: us. But then the card was also decorated by Shervon herself. Two surprise birthday parties in one day. Pretty cool right? I once did this for a friend. And well, i hope its not forgotten. Cause i planned it for him like no other. Because i didn't get this kind of surprise before. Probably the best surprise there is. I've always dreamed when i come back from school one day and my friends surprise me when i come out of the lift, planning and organizing everything behind my back. I'd say it probably g tears to my eyes. But i guess not. Its just so cool. so touching. To have a friend do all this for you. I never had this feeling. I never had this surprise. So i wanted him to get it. He got it. Friendship treasured right?  Not he has his life. His friends. His work. His college. His girlfriend. We don't hang out that often anymore. We dont even have that much time for each other. We dont share shit anymore. Things that mattered. All throlwn away. It could be my fault. I dont know. But all those things we've been through and all those thing we've done for each other. Probably the things that i did only, perhaps forgotten. It just seems in place. But it also seems such a mess, my life. But anyway, hope things got better and i guess it did,
Saying from future me, 2018 :)

Shitty day...

4th February 2013

Not going to type much. Rather exhausted for the time being, gonna keep it as short and as simple as possible. So today i woke up early.. as early as my baby piggy but she got up first and was already at school when i was just wondering what was going on. I woke up and i was still dizzy from...
Gah! you know what? forget about it!

Hoping For Things To Turn For The Better

1/15/2014 Wednesday, evening

     New Year has come and i realized that im sure to be posting something up here as if a new chapter has begun in life like everyone else thinks. Its been such a long time since i've posted something in a blog. Hoped that someone might read it and give me ideas, advices apparently it didn't happen. so basically im just talking to the blog itself. The greatest listener i guess? Anyways, there's so much to say i dont even know where to start. Perhaps i can start from what's been going on my mind for these couple of years. There was a time for me to make choices and hoped or wished that they weren't going to be bad choices even though i understood that people makes mistakes and gain experience in life and not repeat it in future. As for me, perhaps i've been going through mistakes for uncountable times. 

     I remember those days when i'd come home or stay back in school to play basketball and get in trouble for getting home late, those when i had carefree days and knowing what's gonna come tomorrow: either spanked by my teacher for not doing homework the previous days or basketball in the morning, school, break and basketball afternoon. I remember those days when one of my best pals would come over, tell me his problems, drink, play games and laugh, swim, basketball and watch movies. Sometimes he'll come alone but sometimes he'll be coming with another friend or more than one. But the days that i missed most were the days when i get to hang around with friends, relax and have a  few drinks with my best pals. 

     Apparently i feel that im losing that pal of mine. YES, its true that he's still around and will be able to listen to what i have to stay and feel for me. Still available for drinks. Even though he lives near but we seem so far away. I dont know why but whenever we used to have fights, i'd still want to meet up with him, apologize whether or not if its my fault because i guess that's what best pals are for. But i guess too that those days are over. Everyone has their own lives and own things to do and somewhere to go to. He has his college friends, his college life, his girlfriend to take care of, his photo-shooting sessions as a freelance. He's the closest that i can think of apparently cause i use to have "a few" but now its been a handful. But when you're in need, you turn to those who would not leave you behind. I used to have a couple of friends that call me their bestfriend but i figured out that apparently they may not know the meaning of it. All in all they do things that i dont like. Even though, yes they have been there at times when i was in need of listeners. But whenever i really need their help with something, they were never there for me. Not even to be there when my bike ran out of petrol or broke down. But they had time for their cards and games and their own friends of their own kind. I've other friends as well. They are close by but our hearts seem so far away. My basketball friends. They are still here for now like the rest of my friends when they were still around during high school. But im sure they have their own plans in life and targets to head to. The question that had been ringing and lingering in my head for such a long time was how long can they be still here? a year or two? Its 2014 now and time passes so damn friggin quick and here i am sitting and blogging. Why? cause i got nothing much to do while others pull on their shows and have started running ahead of me. I somehow feel that i've been left behind. Somewhere somehow i have a feeling everyone has their backs on me. Except the close ones. Everything that i do, like to do or able to do, everyone else seem to be doing it better than i am. I thought i loved baking cause of sweets and pastries and cakes, decorating and everyone can have a bright day with smiles on their faces ahead. But when i see the competition ahead of me, i held back. In terms of basketball, i can say that i could still be better and i could still improve. Today i had a game and there's this guy who changed marks because i was too weak that i dont need to be taken care of. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. He told me why after the game. He said "you're a stationary shooter," this was the part that i've felt that perhaps all the shots that i've made could have gotten myself a little credit till i heard a "but" on what he was gonna say after that. "I wasn't supposed to score but your team were supposed to be because when a playmaker scores, the game is lost.  You're a stationary shooter, i'll admit but if you're gonna continue to be playing in this court, you wont improve," those words stroke me hard. I didn't see that coming. Even though it wasn't a criticizion, it wasn't an insult, but it wasn't a praise either. I loved basketball a lot that i wanted to be stronger, better and and faster. But apparently, as i realized, i wasn't going anywhere with improvements unless i train myself.

     Not only in terms of basketball, but in everything else, i can always seem to find someone that can do better than that than i can. I have no idea why but i just kept on thinking about it. I've even read an article and it says its not healthy doing that but i just can't help it. There was once when i went to college but i made the wrong choice by quiting because of the wrong reasons resulting the wastage of my parents effort and money and also nothing to fall back to, not even a certificate. All this because of the wrong reasons. And now i dont have a path, i dont have an aim, i dont have a target, i dont have a place to go to, an objective to accomplish or a mission to complete. As much as i'd hate to admit it, im wasting my time. Im throwing them all away as they come. I looked at my friends or others around me and i can see they have a place to go and something to do. All of them either studying abroad or telling me they have lots of work and there's a lot of stress. But all i can do is talk about basketball. To be honest, in my family tree, aside from the younger once, im the last and the only one of its kind. The eldest brother is working as a party planner, come down from there were five younger brothers. One studying both local and abroad to become a doctor, his younger brother planning to study as a lawyer. No doubt about that because besides his brother, his grades were exceptional. The other two are engineers to-be. And then there's me. What am i? Basketball player? I have everyone's support and i deeply appreciate it. But somehow i can't make use of the help that i've got. Im not even sure i can even be called a basketball player. What am i good at? What can i do as a contribution to my family. Everyone has a purpose in life. I guess i haven't found mine yet. Or it could even be well in front of me. and i just couldn't see it.

     I've found that there are always pictures, videos, words and also ideas coming out of my head. I got a feeling that i can be writing stories. Books even! I love watching movies cause they inspire me with ideas. and not to forget reading books as well. There are a lot of ideas that i can come up with, with just a paper and a pen in front of me. i can constantly write on and on creating a story as i go. Perhaps i can be a writer? Perhaps its my destiny to become a writer? 

Fighting On

17th January 2013

Last night i was about to bring my tu boh kia home from my house that time, cause she came over to my house because she knew that she was going to be alone the whole day and saying "i go your house do homework," was one of the best thing that she said to me and i was glad. That was after playing basketball with a group of my school friends that stayed back So usually i'd go there and play with them since there's no one to play with around the housing area. So when i was about to bring her home, i went into my sister's room to ask her to go shower. She was still on the phone with someone. Earlier i heard my mum said that she was only given 10 minutes left and she over used the time and continued chatting. I asked her to go shower and everything that i asked her to do is what she's supposed to do and i'll talk to her nicely at first. Its her response that changes the voice that i give when i talk back to her. she talked back to me asking me to wait and she said that she wants to say bye to the one that she's talking to. Saying bye wouldn't take more than 5 seconds right? But she can't do it. Stupid girl. She asked me to get out of the room instead in a manner of a person as if she's elder than me. What a rude small little girl. I have a list of complains about her actually. The endless list. I try to be the best brother that she can have but will she be willing to do her part as well? A long road ahead to know and find out more and i must still reach the end with the strength to fight on.

Wordless Thoughts.

20th January 2013

Yesterday, me, kahan and weng yew went to give tu boh kia a ride home because earlier she realized that she misplaced her wallet where her license will be. So she told me that she's got a ride there but no ride home. And so i offered her a ride when she is done with her marching. At the meantime after having a phone chat with her, it was supposed to be a short chat but then i missed her at that time and i didn't want to close the phone because i was indulged in the feeling of hearing her voice at that time. And at the same time, i was in the middle of the bloody traffic jam after. First it was because of my stupid bike which got a tire puncture at some point. The night before it was still okay and in good condition and every other day after that the puncture takes place. What, did it wait till i wasn't looking and then let the air out? anyways, at the beginning i thought that i was running out of air and on the way there was the shell petrol station and i thought i could insert some air. But unfortunately the rubber that stored the air within the tyre split and came out. Once it did, it got caught in the rims and f**ked up everything. And i pushed my bike to the repairer because at that time he haven't open shop yet so i couldn't wait because the main priority at that time was to get my sister to school first. I thought of asking tu boh kia first but remembered that she wasn't available. I sms-ed kahan at that time and i remembered that he had class cause although it was a weekend but its just the beginning of the day before the real weekend. Would have asked Sam if it wasn't because of him being in China. Anyways there was the short list of people that i would ask and the last person on earth that i wanted to ask was Azman. I gave him a call but he didn't pick up. For a moment i didn't know what to do so i asked my sister to stand under a shady place because she had to carry her bag and her books while i stood there with my bike and think before pushing it to the lorong. Then i remembered my car. The car that i haven't started in a fortnight. So i decided to try because the battery was a changed one and it was because the previous one not starting because didn't start engine for a long time. So i were to risk that or look through the list of people that could help. I can't call my mum because she has to come back all the way from work. So both of us walked all the way back and took the car. Fortunately when i turner the key, the engine started. There wasn't any petrol left and luckily i had 20 bucks. Pumped petrol and got caught in a traffic jam but was only late a couple of minutes for my sister. So most probably she wouldn't get into trouble. After that i knew i had to get back to tu boh kia cause her stuff was with me and she have to go back to school for marching later that day. I called her and i told her that i wasn't sure if i can make it. Athough it was last minute but i thought at the very least i told her and maybe if im really late then at least she had a backup plan or at least the time to think of a backup plan. That was when i talked to her on phone and extended the short talk. After that i went to fetch weng yew because i was only around the area and he wanted to come over for an overnight but in the end he got into a wee bit of trouble because of it. Biasa lah ;D at 4.30 i went to pick tu boh kia up and was a little late. She came out after me calling her and she said bye to a guy and he was rather tall. so i didn't really bother. So she came over to my house to shower and slept for the rest of the day until we went to get kahan for dinner because this dear friend of mine has problems at at home with his family members but that's another story. After that we went for shopping at tesco. bought a few things and went home to put the stuff before fetching tu boh kia home. Carried her up because her legs were "Sour". Gave her a hugs and kisses and went off dropping kahan home before going home.
Today i was pretty much angry about certain things. One, my bike being a bitch. Doesn't listen to me, not really reliable, fuel eater, bad engine, only have three gears and best of all, tire punctures the day after when no one uses it the night before. Funny right? Second, i went to the internet cafe with weng yew to check out a game that he introduced and wasn't really happy about it because first, the game didn't allow me to change weapons in the last few rounds and weng yew wouldn't want to change comps with me, or at the very least sacrifice and change for once and let me happy a bit BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE WONT UNDERSTAND SUCH SIMPLE THINGS THAT COULD AT THE VERY LEAST MAKE ME HAPPY. i didn't want to break it up to him in front of him because i know this wouldn't end good. Oh yeah and i got a cut on my finger because of him also. So i told my tu boh kia that i miss her but that moment when she says that i miss someone else whether a guy or a girl more which is not true. and sometimes i didn't know how to argue back. Sam came back today and i was with him right after coming back from sending weng yew home. I was texting with tu boh kia all the way and when she asked if i was with sam at that time i said yes but i was afraid of what comes after in the reply which could be that she may say something like "then nevermind lar, dont want to disturb you liao," or something like that. Anyways, too tired to think. My tu boh kia planned that tomorrow we're going to watch movie tomorrow and its going to be horror show. the feeling of afraid that i have when she said that she may be going to watch with other guys or her friends if i dont watch with her. And i could tell that she was disappointed and she started sending me short texts as if she doesn't want to text anymore but i understand that her mood is out. But couldn't it be a little more positive? When this happens, i dont know what to do. I continued no matter what but she didn't reply anymore so i gave her a call and i couldn't really make out of what she was saying but she said that she was tired so i didn't want to bother her anymore and asked her to go to sleep. So it was all nice till that moment when i told her that i dont have enough money and might not (MIGHT) not watch the horror show. When i asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. But there's always something behind the nothing and she wouldn't tell me and i have to find it out myself. This is when i remember when i have to dig out secrets that she keep, she told me that one of her godbrothers which is very close to the family, manages to dig out her problems and secrets without fail and i've never forgotten it since the day she told me and i thought maybe i could do better? Maybe i can be the same? But why be the same when i can be that someone special to her. How i wish she would tell me her mind and heart and so would i in return. But still... more of the times to come and i have to think of a way? perhaps? Surprises would have worked but both times tried. both time failed. but it doesn't matter now. What's bygones let it be. i just look forward to see her smiling. Other than all of this, my sister is also another issue and my mum and i are trying to figuring ways to get to her. But most of it unfortunately been misunderstood by my tu boh kia. But seldom now. Anyways, to tired and to frustrated to think any longer. I'll just get some rest for tonight. Peace out :)
PS: hope for a new day the moment i wake up but then my baby piggy would be out of her house and start running around my mind for the rest of the day already. ;D

We have our own lives to live but lets live it together?

14th January 2013

Baby, this i write to you, and more to come for the rest of the days that you are going to bear with me. Im going to say to you and i will say it to you this time that i will always belong to you and nobody else because i've already made you my first and my last and i promise you this that i wont leave you because of another girl for i know that is not worth it. If it is so, then for the next girl to come i would leave her because of another girl as well. So i might as well not start something that i can't end and be with you for the rest of my life. I want to be with you for as long as i can and i want to treasure you and hold you close to my heart for as long as i can because you're the only tu boh kia in this world that would tell me things and do things for me that nobody else in the world have ever done to me before. So far, as far as i know, i've already built a house for you in m heart and only you can stay there and as you know, every single day from the moment i open my eyes every morning, you come into my mind already. You would go out of the house and start running around my mind. Im curious how you can get the infinite energy and not getting tired of running around my mind all day. And yes baby, i think of you all the time whenever im doing something and some of the things i do it for you. There are a lot of things more to be done and i want to do some of the things for you baby. Because i want you to know that you are the only one there for me and to do all those things for you, they are only done for one person only and that is my tu boh kia. My baby piggy. I wont let anyone replace you baby, because frankly, you're the only girl that would fall in love with a guy like me. haha! :D but doesn't matter, all it matters is that you're mine and no one can snatch you away from me! muaaahhahahahah selfish me! But baby, i know sometimes i may have broken my promise for not replying your message or disappear all of a sudden but those are the replacements for the times that i owe you for tickling. ;) so one time disappear, add another hour of tickle. So since i still owe you less than a day, then add it into the account. i dont know if it works but you know my weakness. hahaha. How i wish we can have our own secrets. How i wish you would tell me what are you sad about and rather than letting me find out by myself and that would ruin my day and that's what being together is all about right? Being there for each other. Being there to take care of each other and we got each other's back no matter what happens. Because in speaking terms of military and a soldier, we never leave a team mate behind. So baby, i want you to trust me. I dont know if im doing good enough for you or anything but i will keep trying till the day you tell me "I trust you," this three words. I know and i understand its hard to trust someone again after one of your trust that you have given someone and that someone broken it. But you can have all the time you want darling. I will be trying. I will be waiting. I want you to be mine forever baby and i want to share all my secrets with you and all the stuff together. and only you. I know i have my own life and you have yours. But i wanna tell you also that you're mine now and im yours too. So take care of me baby? And one more thing baby, i've never failed to say it although sometimes i dont say it is because i want to make those three words as special as possible. But baby, i want to mean those words as well and i love you more than the stars that you can count in the sky at night. And i will keep on loving you till the day you found another guy that's much more worth to your keeping or a guy that can do things better than i did. But even when that day comes, i will always remember that i once loved fell in love with my baby piggy. :) 

Lots of love,

Your Tu Boh  ;D

Today is the tomorrow that you worry about yesterday

There is a time when you know something is totally wrong and you just wanna fix it but you just figured that you can't just fix it like that but you have to go all the way around to fix the problem. So yes, i haven't been blogging in awhile and its been "Awhile" since i've been here. I've been here a couple of times a day to check on someone's blog to see if there are any "interesting" updates. So there it goes.

First of all, spending the precious time with my tu boh kia has never been better. :) i would hug her all day if its possible because i'd proudly say that she's my first official girlfriend that has done things for me that not one girl has ever done for me before. Yes, that girl, that girl that is beside me is the girl that is going to take care of me and im even thinking of marrying her next time? hahaa but i really hope that i could be the guy to marry her. And i wouldn't want to give her up to another guy because she's my first and my last and she treats me like no one else. I really wish we can have more of our own secrets. I want to be her guy that she could trust, she could rely on and she would only understand like no other person and i wouldn't want to let her go just as i know she wouldn't let me go that easily. But she said in her blog that she had doubts that she dont know if she should care more or she should fall into this love much deeper. But i've told her before that she can have all the time in the world. I could wait for her and i will love her more and more until the day that she find another person that love her more than i do? Not too sure but until the day she let me go, then i guess at that time i would have time to sulk and feel guilty about what i've done whatsoever. But that's another story. What matters is that im with her now and i love her for who she is. As someone that i treat as family. ;D I really hope that she can know this one day and to love me back and to trust me all the same. And i love you tu boh kia! :D

Please trust me, darling...

16th January 2013

You know how sad it is to know that you're trying to get someone. You're trying your best to win her trust and in a a way telling that person with not only words but to show that person that you're different and you're like those other people that actually hurt her or not be her guy. I don't know if this is it but i was willing to try. I really do appreciate the fact that she took the effort to make things for me. She made cookies, would tell me that she wont let me go that easily and she would hug me and tell me that im hers and hers only and that she loves me. I feel really really happy when she told me that because no one has ever done that truthfully from their heart to me before except for my mum. Other than that, eventhough if they did, it would mean just merely words and they are just brotherly or sisterly love and nothing as special as the words coming out from the person that you truly love. So that's how i felt when she told me that as she hugged me tight. I felt really happy. As in so happy that it gave me the energy to continue on doing what im doing to make her happy with more surprises and things that in my mind, she would like it and she would be happy about it. 

I have been telling her things that i haven't told anyone before from life experiences to jokes that had happened to me through my daily life. I would share with her. I want her to think that both of us have our own secrets and we have our own space and its like the world doesn't matter as long as we're together. I wish i could tell her this but im still actually working on a way to tell her that by showing her that im not like other guys. I tried to break my promise but to trust in the pinky promise, perhaps it is my fault to disappear. But at the very least, i didn't just ignore the problem and continue moving on as if nothing happened and i'd tell her what have i done and where did i go if i disappeared. But the thing was, im not sure if that's a good thing to do because she goes sad as i told her. She gets upset because of it and i just wont want her to be upset but ever since for a once or twice, she got sad because i disappeared but in return, i thought of giving her a surprise. She thought that i'd be going out with other girls. She thought that i didn't have time for her. She thought that i disappeared because i went out with another girl because there was the first time when i lied to her and telling her that i was going out to find other girls but in reality, i went over to her house with an ice cream and a small surprise. Because she said that she wanted a mask. So i went to buy the ice cream and that mask for her. But she was crying. I wanted her to laugh but she was crying. You want that person to be happy that's why you went and do all those things but in the end, your plan would mean nothing and she cries despite of what you've done for her on that night. You know how that feels? The second time i disappeared during our monthly anniversary. Hung out with one of my friend at prangin and thinking what surprise would i be giving her on that night. But i couldn't think of anything better because everything pretty much uses money.  So i wrote paper by paper of one small stack and handed in to her with an ice cream. But she felt sad instead. She was upset instead of what i'd hope for. FAR from what i was hoping for. To at least see the smile on her face and the stuff that i do would be paid off. Would at least worth it when the aim or the objective that i aimed for really happened and that is to see her smile or laugh because of me, because of what i did for her. But she didn't. She was upset because i didn't really reply her. Because i thought that she would be curious and wondering where i would be or what i'd be doing on the anniversary or expect something better. But negative thoughts won her over. And she got upset because she thought that i didn't care for her. After all those things, she thought that i didn't care for her. Would it seems so that i what i did still wasn't enough to gain her trust? Maybe her ex did better than me but he misused her trust. I tried to gain her trust but because of not having to trust someone, she broke in tears if i disappeared. And at the very least i have a reason for disappearing. I wouldn't just disappear on purpose or anything. Either i was doing something at that time, either i was out of credits, either my phone notification didn't ring loud enough and i must have missed it but i checked it from time to time. But well... i promised her. She said in her facebook status that i broke my promise again. She asked the audience in her blog whether or not she should fall in deeper. And she had doubts that she shouldn't care so much? I follow her blog every single day. Call me a  stalker but i want to know what she did, how she felt because the problem was she couldn't tell me.But whatever that was on my mind, i would tell her. Im not trying to complain about her or anything and i could say that I WILL PREFER HER THAN THAT PIECE OF SHIT last time. And i would want to treasure her like Sam told me to like no one else. And i told myself that i would want her to be my first official girlfriend and my last and no more any other. But i really wonder sometimes, what would it really takes to become the guy for her and to be there for her to listen to her problems and to make her understand that telling me the problems wouldn't make my day go bad or anything but i would try to help her instead? I could be more than her boyfriend for her. I could be there for her as friend as well. I could be there for her as a brother or anybody. As long as this "anybody" that she would TRUST and tell things to and both of us would have our own gossips, out own secrets and our own shares and not bother about anybody else in the world. But i really wonder... what would it take to make her understand that. What can i do to make her trust me? 

Her Trust.

15th January 2013

Today was just one of those normal days when i'd go for what i had planned from the beginning of the day and go on with it for the rest of the day. Today i felt rather uneasy. At some point somewhere during the day.  But aside from that, i did do all the things that my mum asked and did it immediately and tried to continue doing house chores before i went out to join her for lunch. Not only her but with my grandparents as well, because my grandma has been to Aussie for the entire year so today since she came back so might as well go alone with the lunch. One simple lunch. Listened as she told stories about how was the life there and then she came back and the complains about the maids that my mum hired to clear and clean her house because her house is rather big so if she were to clean it herself then it wouldn't do any good for her leg. It has been growing weak. Anyways, earlier i planned to go eat with my baby piggy at genting right after her school. But then then i was late a few minutes cause i got caught in the lunch and i had to wait for the rest to finish then only i'd be dismissed. Then when i got there, there were people and students that just came out, as usual. But i didn't see her bike taking rounds that is if i thought that she came out early. But i didn't see. So first thing that came into my mind, she may be waiting for me at the eating place there. I parked my motor and went and check and waited in case if she was taking rounds again and maybe got caught in the jam cause since it was after school, presumably there's going to be a lot of cars and vehicles. Waited for awhile and i got her call and she said that she was already home. Then never mind. Was rather disappointed because plan failed. And this plans that had failed wasn't the first time but it was my fault for being late. So perhaps next time i'll remember this day and not be late.

When i got there, she told me that she had a headache. First thing that came into my mind was where was the nearest convenient store or any store that actually sells medicines so that i could buy her something to take away the pain in her head. But then she preferred to go to sleep and asked me to leave. I feel really sad and really scared the moment she asked me to leave. So i didn't just want to leave like that so i wanted to make her feel that i want to stay with her as long as i can before i go to play basketball. She asked me to fetch her to one of her besty's house but then i couldn't because i had promised my friends that i would go to play basketball with them back in high school. The thing was, that seemed to be the wrong choice to take. I felt really bad. I already promised my friends and the school ended at 2.10. Usually there was going to be a lot of people but then i knew that those people would hog up all those courts and not let the rest of us play because they sorta chicken out i guess? I chose to stay with her a little longer. It didn't matter if my friends were there or not. I was never going to know if by the time i arrive at school, there was going to be people left to play or everyone as gone home? I never knew. But it all mattered that i was with her at that time. Since i was going to play basketball then i could at the very least keep her company till she sleeps and get some rest and then go to her tuition with a healthy and feeling much better mind. I was with her at that time and that was way past the time that i was supposed to be there but she wasn't feeling well, so i went ahead and keep her company for a little while longer. I mean... doesn't hurt to do so right? Another thing was because i wanted her to know, that perhaps if i can keep my promises that i made to my friends, then i would keep the promises that i made to her. That was what was on my mind at that time. But it seems that she gets upset whenever i disappear and with reasons that i will explain to her later on of the day. But that was another story. I didn't want to disappoint her but it seems that whatever i do, its just not enough to make her as happy as she can knowing that i wont disappoint her. She was disappointed today because i disappeared again and that was because suddenly my mum asked me to go to tesco to buy some stuff for her. And then after that i continue with the plan to visit her. Before that i was having food. I played basketball and went home almost at about 7 and i had a bad stomachache. I cleared my bowels and then searched for food. I was eating for the past 1+ hours cause there was nothing left in my stomach. That was one of the reasons why i couldn't reply her because after eating, i straight went for my shower and then went to tesco buy things and then go on to her house for a visit. I thought that if i couldn't accompany her in the afternoon then maybe i could make it up to her by accompanying her till she falls asleep? Well it didn't work. I ride home after buying the stuff to give my mum her stuff and was already on the way there when she called and told me that she was already going to sleep and she doesn't need me to come anymore. I was a little sad at that time. But i hid that behind a laugh and continue joking with her and enjoyed listening to her voice through the phone. But it was a house phone so it was going to be expensive. And to me, if i can give her the smallest surprise, even if i can, i would give her that surprise because i would imagine that she would be happy. But when i got there, i couldn't call her handphone as usual. Everytime when i reach there, i couldn't call her phone for some apparent and frustrating reason. STUPID DIGI! Anyways, i stood there for awhile and kept on trying to call her by any means. But i couldn't get through. Dont know i stood there for how long but finally when i got to her house phone, she talked for awhile and then my phone ran out of credits. THAT WAS MY ONLY HOPE OF CONTACTING HER WHEN IM OUTSIDE!!! BUT ITS GONE. So i waited outside for awhile and can't think of anything to do. If i were to call her, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore. But i had no choice. If i were to walk away then she may be even more disappointed that i didn't come. So i called out her name and her mum opened the door. I went in the room and she was already upset because i disappeared. But by means of my disappearing, i couldn't reply due to the reasons that i have said on the above. Anyways, i tried to make her smile. I tried to make her laugh but my jokes and the things that i do would not work. No matter how much funny i try to be she wouldn't laugh or smile. But at that time instead, she told me to go home because she was already going to sleep. Then i tried to tell her out of it that i came to visit her and to make it up to her because of not accompanying her and couldn't fetch her that afternoon. But what i did was not enough. I just need to try a little harder. I was kinda disappointed when she said that she wouldn't want to fall deeper into the relationship and wouldn't want to try as hard as she did before because she got dump by some punk ass bitch that took her as a housemaid  instead of a real girlfriend. So i had to understand that she could fully trust me and she could fully fall into it when she is ready and so i told her that she can have all the time that she needs. I was upset. I was rather disappointed but i had to understand. So i swallowed all that pile of crap and continue doing what i'm doing and i will continue doing until the day that i can really fully gain her trust. Don't know when that day is going to be but i just gotta continue hoping and believing. Anyways she told me to go home that time and it was late. but i told her that i could stay a little while and accompany her till she sleeps. she didn't want at first and i felt a little hurt inside when she told me to go. And i thought, so much for making her happy and now look what i have done. And i couldn't force her to let me stay, its her house after all and i have to respect her. But she changed her mind because her eldest brother went out and left one of the rooms empty. We went in and lay down. I wanted to talk to her and have a chat share some stories like always but then i was afraid that tomorrow is going to be the replay of today as in her having a headache so i just let her sleep. And here i am now confused and not really sure what else to do. She wouldn't want to tell my her problems because she is afraid that she would end up getting disappointed but nevertheless i would tell her my problems when i can and i know that she will be there to listen to me. I wonder when would be the day when she could tell me the same thing. That she would trust me enough and to tell me her problems that she face and the concept of being together is all about being sad together and being happy together. Piggies look after each other. Sometimes i think, perhaps this is a challenge for me? Perhaps i still have to try harder to win her trust like her ex and to be better than her ex? Because whatever that i do now, such as the plans that i made to surprise her, made her cry instead. Because my plan contents would give her negative thoughts and she would shed tears because she haven't trust me enough yet. So just plain afraid to give her another surprise next time. Anyways, im too tired to continue. This is all that i can think of for now and they are the happenings of for the past few days. This is the update altogether. I couldn't update because i'll be writing on my story instead. :)

Gardia

So i haven't been on the blog for quite a long time cause i had to choose to continue typing or adding on ideas and stuff for the story that im planning to write on and then sell it to people as soon as its done. so im going to start with friends and family to see if those that are interested would want to buy the story that is written by me. im not pretty sure about what's going to be the results but its also one way to start to earn some pocket money before chinese new year comes. 

So this picture (yes, this is the first picture in the whole blog that i have because i didn't know how to upload pictures back then but when i do, i didn't have any pictures to upload. So anyways, to start off, this book that im writing, it used to be a story where there's going to be a lot of gunfights involving monsters, aliens and the humans. And also there are lots of conflicts in there but i started to realize that it teaches no lesson. If i were to read something and well, it wouldn't be much of an interest if i don't get to learn a thing throughout the whole book. So this time im going to add in some of the things such as, there will be stuff that has to do with friendship, love, care and the sacrifices that had to be made whenever the time comes. Although im still not quite used to this new perspective yet but perhaps i could throw in a few comedies as well and what life had taught me so far and perhaps in hopes to inspire people and to tell them indirectly that whatever that they are facing, it is never the end of the world yet to change. 

So there's this thing about the story that im writing and the picture that i had posted is actually going to be the front page at the moment. its the best that i could come up with but i got it from some other place so its obviously not original. But im working the one that i want to do on my own so i dont have to plagiarize. Anyways, that's all that i've been working on for these few days but if anyone, that is the ones who actually reads this blog, could go to the page by the name of "Gardia". This is where its all going to be: updates, the short explanation for the reader about what the book is going to be and more to come later on. So check it out whenever. :) Hope it sparks your interests! 

All for you

27th November 2012

     Things didn't exactly turned out how i saw it from the beginning. At the beginning, i thought that college life was supposed to be fun until i realized that i joined a course that im haven't even got any interest in. I spent the entire year cooped up in there, stuffed with presentations and assignments. Not only that but also not to mention that there are also the teachers that treat students like high school students with the worse kind of attitude that anyone can possible imagine. They even take the attendance so bloody seriously. Well, that's one way a rich college would treat the people who had less money to afford but made it there just to waste the money. Pressuring students and eating money, sucking the money from the people like ATM machines. Damn hate it. I dont know im hating it because of that i went in the wrong course, or my point of view is exactly what it is that i see happening.
Well today's actually the 18th of Dec and i decide to finish up this blog since the other day when i can't finish because lack of energy. Well, actually im not having all that much of energy right now but there's this someone who'd want to see updates coming out so... just do it for this person :D So as you know i met this girl and she became my baby piggy. Yup, my one and only and thinking of her just takes away all the troubles of the day. Well not entirely because i still need to remind her to drink water, to ask her whether she has eaten or not and to know if she had a good day. IF she doesn't then im going to be the one to put the smile on her face. Somehow, for her, i'd want to put that smile and i feel that its worth it and i can see or tell that she appreciates the stuff that i do for her. I dont know about this but maybe its because she's my first girlfriend in my life and i couldn't get used to this kind of stuff. There's a lot of things that are new to me when it comes to relationship and there's a lot of things that i have to learn also. For example, to know how to make you happy lor baby! xD Aren't she the cutest person in the whole wide world? hahah :D All i could say is she's way better than her and i sometimes not too sure if im doing things that may be good enough for her to make her happy. Well, at least i could tell myself that i have tried.
hmmm... what else... lets see... surprises that i have made for her, not too sure if they are all the best but hope she smiles? And oh yea, actually i wanted to give her a Christmas surprise. So the thing was i added all her friends and told them that i was together with her. Although she wanted to do it but i told her not to because it was all part of the plan because on the day of the surprise itself, everyone's going to be there and everyone's going to reveal that we're already in a relationship and to surprise her but then plan had failed. why? because one, her relatives are coming over. Two, most of her friends can't make it and three, the steps and the plans of the procedure doesn't add up and doesn't make any sense. Well i just have to think of another one. Well, knowing that someone has the same things or the common thinking or opinions when it comes to certain things as you do, it's just great cause you don't have to explain much and you both know what each other is thinking already. hahhaa
she was the first person that i held hands with when i went out. she's the first girl that i skyped with at night to morning because she was afraid to sleep alone and i were to accompany her. No matter how tired i was, i still want to do it for her because i want her to know that if all else fails, then there's still someone that she can depend on or rely on. I sure hope if she knows she can really rely on me :D
And before i go, there's also one last thing for this blog. Baby, if you have anything you can tell me de kay? Im always here for you and im always here to listen to your problems ^_^ because if i have any problems, i'd be doing the same by telling you  :D
loves you baby
that's all for today :D see ya! 

Tasting Bitter Before Sweet

20th November 2012

     So i've not been updating my blog recently because i've been occupied by life's challenges? i guess that's called? So i'll be updating this from time to time nevertheless. Funny how this is like talking to myself. Anyway, so whatever that's gone is gone. Whatever that's past, i shall let it be the past. So there are several things that are worrying me now. These are the things that i've been facing and these are the things that i still have to face NO MATTER WHAT.

NUMBER ONE : the news is, i have an upcoming exam. HOORAY! YIPPEE! BUT i haven't started reading a single thing. -_- pretty good right? currently focusing on the couple of other things also which distracts me from the utmost importants. 

NUMBER TWO : i have a presentation and im working on it as i type. Two assignments to hand in by tonight or else im not going to turn off my lappy alive. or asleep that is. One to know what im going to be talking about tomorrow and the other have to hand in to my other team leader. 

NUMBER THREE : tomorrow is one of the presentation day and i have stage fright. Dont know what im going to be talking about tomorrow but then im just going to do my best. i had to...and i just hate this. 

NUMBER FOUR : actually there isn't any number four, all stated on the above already. 

So despite all of those crap that i the college life has to through at me, i met this girl recently. And this girl actually brought colours into my life. I started liking her as soon as i got out with her the first time. The first time that i met her, she was in a shopping mall, working in a gift shop. At that time i didn't know which to buy so she came over, as how usually the worker would attend to the customer. I was thinking of buying some stuff for my sister cause at that time it was her birthday. It was kind of a rush so i didn't know what to buy. So she came over and hoped that she might assist me in anyway. Usually i would hesitate talking to someone straight off like that but that time i didn't. I straight away asked her and i asked for her opinion for which to buy cause she is also a girl and she would know which taste a girl wants. So thinking that i got everything, she got it all wrapped up and i paid and i left. At that time, i really hope that i can see her again cause she was the first worker that i've said things to so casually. especially when she's a girl. HAHA so anyways, after a while, one of my college mate's birthday came and i thought i'd go back to the same place to buy. There are times when i passed by when i went to visit another friend who was working in the same district but at that time i couldn't see her. I felt kinda disappointed when i realized she doesn't work there anymore. Was already planning to get her facebook or her number or at least her name the next time i see her. But then haih, maybe by fate we will meet again. So i looked forward to that time. 

So one day when i logged into my facebook and i saw a notification or someone added me recently. So i was very happy whether if it was a girl or boy cause its the feeling you get before opening a your presents. So i opened and saw this girl's profile. when i looked into her profile, not exactly stalking, just to get the idea of who she was, i thought she looked familiar in her profile picture. So i approved and asked her to introduce herself. Sometime later, she replied and she revealed that she was indeed that girl that i met back at the gift shop and i was so damn happy and glad, although i didn't show it, when i see her. So we got to know a little bit and we went out the first time and i started liking her when i started to know how she was like. We have so much in common. There's so many things that we can share and there's so many thing that we could talk about together. But i kinda fell for her and i didn't tell her. I didn't dare to because she had only suffered a heartbreak and i dont want to be the guy that suddenly jumps into her life and spoils or messes up everything. so i kept it all to myself. I didn't dare tell her or confess to her because i wasn't sure if my chances of getting her would be the same as the other girls that had rejected me. So i too hesitate and just appreciate and not complain about the friendship that we share. I didn't want to break it up. So one day i told her that i have a crush on a girl and i wouldn't want to tell her who she is but i told her what i was thinking and that i will show her who that girl is. She wouldn't believe me and kept on forcing me. haha :D remembering those moments. 

I told her that i didn't want to tell her is because i dont want to break apart this friendship that we share and she had just suffered a heartbreak at that time and if i were to confess to her and even if we got together, other people may think bad of her, such as a person who switches boyfriends from one to another. I didn't want anyone to think bad or her but the urge to tell her that i like her and i just want to be with her, is like not allowed to play games when you are very addicted to it. 

So after numerous tries and attempts of me breaking the secret, i told her and confessed to her at the same time and she told me the same thing in return. So that was how it began. But i told her that, if she can manage her studies, if she knows what she's doing, her parents or her family doesn't mind and if she's happy with it then i can go with it as well. So that was when we got together and  frankly, she is the first girl that i've actually confessed to and she's the first girl that got into a real relationship with me. 

So that was just a few days before my Car test that i went to recently. She was the only one that woke up that early to keep me company and to support me further when the situation was getting intense back at the driving school. But she slept after that. The only person in the world that would do that for me. She gave me a nickname and so i had one for her too. Most of the things that i like she likes to. Everything that a guy can do for a girl is special to her, even down to hugs and kissed on the forehead. so i reserved those for her as well cause they were also special to me before sometime ago. The only girl that would ask for a hug eventhough she knows that im covered with sweat. The first text that i see everytime when i wake up and getting a morning message. The call that i get when im supposed to wake up early and it was from her. A wake up call. How happy she was she i told her that i've missed her the entire day and how much i love her. I dont really say much about the three words because i want it to be special. I wish i could say it everyday and everytime when i see her but if i were to do that every single time then upon special occasions, those three words would mean nothing. The first girl that would get worried when i dont reply her text. The first girl that would care about me like no other persons besides my treasured family and friends. A girl that cares about how i would feel. A girl that actually shows the appreciation that i can see when i've done something for her. The only girl that would turn on the skype and leave it just so I can see her sleep and she ,me. Now despite of how much work i have, Im looking at her sleeping so soundly. :) Wish i could be there with her. But anyhow, i still have work to do. 

All i hope is that she would come to know the person i am and to know what runs through my mind. Because of all people, i want her to be able to understand. I want her to trust me. And i want her to care for me as much as i would care for her. There aren't anybody that i can think of that can replace her. Wish i could tell her how much i love her and how many of hugs that i just want to give her. Perhaps one but for this one i'd never let go. She's the one and only piggy that i have. And the one and only piggy that i want to protect and care for.  :D love you piggy ^_^

Wasted Movie. Damn!

12th April 2012. 

     Damn. Time passes so damn fast nowadays. Time so precious. Life is short. But enjoy it. So i've been told. two more days and my license would go expire. And then i gotta go renew it again. DAMN DAMN DAMN! Damn what?  Damn nothing. Didn't do all that crap earlier. Anyways, there was an earthquake yesterday. I went to queens and i went to enjoy a little bit in the arcade, playing my favorite one. As usual, i would look around and see if anyone was looking. But there was none. Perhaps i flattered myself about how good am i at playing it. Haih.... But it wasn't before long when i realized that i was just trying to show off. But doesn't matter. Feels good to enjoy this feeling once in a while. :)
      These days, my friend had been so committed to his modeling thing and he had been hunting jobs. Finally he found one. That's good for him though. Let's him know how precious money is to people nowadays and how hard it is to earn them. Good experience for him. haha ;D me, on the other hand, perhaps already there is a job waiting for me. Good for learning and good for practicing also at the same time. Plus going to college and then enjoy my life from then on. Its just so friggin awesome. Looking forward to life surprises. The feeling is just simply magnificent. 

        As i was saying, we parted ways in Queens and i went straight home with my mum to pick up dad and sis then we all together went to prangin mall to change my pants and walk around in the swimming costumes department. Bought a new pants but doesn't exactly fit to be a swimming. Haih but doesn't matter. It suits for home wear. Good enough for me :) Just when sis went into the changing room, there was an earthquake. A moment ago, my dad called and told me that we were watching a movie called Battleship. i was like okay cool. Then when my sister was only halfway changing, the tremors came and my dad called. At first i didn't realize until i saw people running and i was wondering what was going on. My dad told us to get out of the building because of earthquake. Then i was like "Earthquake?! Thought we're watching Battleship?! i was thinking about this inside of my head. But the thing was, that's when i realized that the ground was shaking back and forth. Mom was there as well. She felt it too. And we quickly called for sis and went down straight. Within 10 minutes, most of the shops in the building had been closed and everyone gathered outside and taking pictures. This was a life and death matter and there were still people taking pictures. Was there a crack in the middle of the road or something? I went to take a look and only noticed that the people were taking pictures of people. As if they've never seen crowds before. PPPPFfftttt.

After that we went back in for the movies. Dad bought some ice cream but i lost my appetite. The tremor scared the shit outta me. But i got over it as soon as it came. 

Movie was awesome! Until the part where the building shook the second time. Damn. wasted. "But can watch finish first then go home ah?" one guy asked and we laughed. But whenever these things happen, WE GO OUT AND WE GO HOME! ;D

I wish....

10th April 2012

      The fear, the stress that forms and lingers in my heart and mind is affecting the days and the way im living my life right now. Felt like there'are so many things to do and yet they all have not been done yet. So this is what real life really feels like eh? without plans. All is stressed up. haihyai yai yai yai. But however, when i complete a task or i have finally finished something, there'll be a voice in my head saying "Mission Accomplished". Feels good really. but when a task isn't completed... haih...

a feeling of nervousness and fear. Because of my damn license and what else... my career, my college, the money, the job that i wanna chose to take and my beloved future. haih haih haih.... this is really stressing me out! 

SOMEBODY SAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

A rather good or bad day?

6th April 2012.
     Early in the morning, i was supposed to get up with man and meet up Sam at my house and then three of us would go to Botanical Gardens for a jog. But Sam woke up late and in the end we didn't get to go. Not exactly sad but what got me was Man asked me to go have breakfast with him and so we did. Sometimes i just don't want to make any faces to him or anyone to make them feel uncomfortable or just utter discretion. Doesn't matter how bad they treat me, i just remind myself i'm still lucky enough not to be in some other people's situation who's worst than mine and i appreciate that there are still people who trust me and love me for who i am. In return, i just want to try to be there for them. No matter how small or big the problems are, no matter how bad their situation is, no matter how bad they treat me, i try my best to put on a smiley face even though i dread doing that. Whenever i have a bad day, i wouldn't want the world to know about it. I believe that my mission objective when God sent me to this place is to bring smiles around. Although the task may be hard but there are also somethings or some people that will cheer me on. I just hope that they'll be there for me just as i will for them.
     Recently, i had this feeling of discomfort. People had felt this before because of the pain caused by love and unreasonable endings. Today, i've been told that things end in a beautiful way and i will always remember it. For if there is something good, bad will be standing in the way. Today, i have a friend that came over to my house and cried. She cried not because of anything in particular that the people nowadays face. The thought of your family not being there for you eventhough the world tries to pull you down, you'd have no one else but to trust all the ones that you still keep in your heart. How i wished that i've told her something, cheer her up at least but, somehow, i felt as if i did nothing. I tried to speak but some of the words just wouldn't want to come out of my mouth. I just did what im good at: listening. I listened to her problems. There are people there for her and i want to do the same. Not just for her but for those people that still matter to me. i want to keep them close so that i wouldn't have to worry about losing them. But sometimes, its not just me who is the one not holding on. Some others would just take advantage, take you for granted and i hate it when that happens. My point for saying all this, although the world doesn't know that im there for them whenever they need me but i WILL be there for them whenever they need me.

It was a good day?

5th April 2012.

      Today was rather good i guess? Despite of everything that had happened recently, guess i'm getting over that stupid feeling i didn't want. Apparently letting out some things makes me feel better. Making myself tired, going for workouts and swim after that every single day. Apparently all these made me feel better and I've found good use to the word "apparently". Anyways, was so glad that a friend wanted to come over for a chat or a swim or just a hangout but didn't make it in the end. cause didn't want to trouble another friend who would be driving around. Hung out with another friend instead, saw them both in the night while swimming. That's not the part that gets me but the part that Daniel, who's just living around the neighborhood doesn't seem to respect me or obey what i said whenever he is in his house. A friend was like this before but he doesn't visit much anymore, go i guess that was the problem but this particular dude comes in my house and starts using my electricity. its not that i mind that but WHAT I REALLY MINDED was he brought his computer out and played Tetris beside my sister who was studying. Yes, although she listened to music using headphones but wouldn't what he did take away the concentration? He doesn't have any idea the responsibility that i have to take if my sister doesn't do well in her studies. I really wonder if he ever thought about that before bringing his computer out to show off his "skills" around. Another thing : he promised me that he wouldn't touch my bed and sit on the floor. APPARENTLY, my words would just go in one ear and go out the other. He wouldn't just listen to me. MY HOUSE, MY ROOM, MY BED, MY RULES. Such simple rules and yet he still can't follow them. Can anyone get dumb-er than him? \

      Other than all that crap, he tried to act smart. Telling me this and that. Not only me, but trying to be smart towards my other two friends, Kahan and Sam. "What's life without some risks" he says. *face palm* Telling me not only this but several other things in life that I've already known. Thinking that he's the smart one and he can tell whatever he wants. Me, swinging around my keys ANNOYS him. Isn't that cool? Me, just swinging around my keys, minding my own business. I swing it just so i could think sometimes but "Apparently" it annoys him. It doesn't even make any sound. I denies me when i wanna do whatever the heck i want but when i ask him just to get the eff OFF OF MY BED, only a donkey wouldn't get down. 

      Tomorrow's my friend's big day. Its his modeling thingy and he has a scar on his right hand. I sure hope that he'll win. Cause its impossible that he can't win with what he has. I know some people might actually say nothing is impossible, until someone tries to staple water on a tree. I'll look forward to his good news tomorrow. Not only this but he's bringing me to sign up tomorrow at KDU. enrolling under him and then going under the same subject. Sounds awesome but its because I've got not much idea on what to do after i get my SPM results. Since i like to write, perhaps i could give this a try. Take it as something new to learn. Never stop learning in life they say... True. :)

Memory.

As of today, i'm afraid that i might have learned my lesson. To think that i could actually take care of a dog in the first place was the mistake that i ever made. I know that what i did was wrong. but i had no other choice. Words of a guilty man huh? Thinking back at the day where i found it was underneath a bench situated at the lobby of my apartment. My friend and i found it and i was stupid enough to listen to his convincing to take it back home to take care of it. Thinking about it just makes me sick and frustrating. I never thought that bringing it back to the place which was my house and not his. Never gave a thought that the one that would be taking responsibilities was not him but me. But whenever i ask of his help, it's as if he is the one that'll be taking responsibilities. He'd push it all on me. So much for a friend i'd ask. I've asked him that since he cared about it so much, why not he take it home, he didn't care. He didn't stand by my side and thought about it for a moment. Really... so stupid of me. Now i had live with the feeling of guilt and the wongdoing for the rest of my life. I let the puppy go. But the thing is, i had a feeling that it was collected by an elderly man that i walked past when i wanted it to run on its own. Hopefully he's a good guy and would sincerely take good care of it. God, forgive me for i have sinned. I'd commit my sin to you and i'd ask for your forgiveness oh Lord. In Jesus's name, i pray, Amen.

Waking up

      Haven't really been catching up to blog lately, been busy with school and all. At times, i just couldn't accept, i admit, that the world is somehow changing and it creates a little fire in me because i cant do anything about it. I started small. i try to be there for all my cared ones and i understand that some friends come and go and some friends don't. It is at this point that proves, for the fact that one of my friend were playing basketball with me one day and usually, when i play basketball, i'd smile. This particular day, i'd smile in a game with him and he himself taking it as an insult and gets mad all about it. Plus, basketball is a game where players can play however way they want and this dude goes ahead and gets mad too when i dont play it the way he wanted me to. It MAKES PERFECT SENCE. He has been a complainer and a whinner, and they're more or less all the perfect little things that describes him. He goes to a restaurant filled with people with me. When we finally got a seat, he'd complain about not going to sit at that seat, with any possible reason he can strike up. He'd enjoy making people in pain and only caring about his own. He's the one and only guy that i know, that blames or scolds him mum whenever there's something that he doesn't quite cope with. example? a dog that he barely knows one month that got bloated, he'd blame everything. He doesn't know the life he lives and the life of others does he? I dont know but he doesn't seem quite sure with himself, for the fact that he'd post something stupid on youtube like after that last basketball match we had and i'd share it with another friend tht either of us know. This other friend goes ahead and tell him and he too post a statement on his faceboook wall talking about a little boy complaining and i'd assume that he's talking about me. But i'd sure hope he isn't talking about himself that someone is THAT childish enough to post something like this in his facebook wall? what, he's got no mirror at home for him to take a good look at himself before judging calling others what HE is? I dont know, but when he reads this blog, he's gotta rush to the convenience store immediately. *laugh*


       Im a little surprised however that some people would actuall defend this guy. Most of it would his buddies where they get to know him during school times. There's is this particular dude that relaly puts up with the other guy that is pissed with his lack of reputation and self-esteem. He says exactly what the other dude says. That ME smiling in a basketball game could actually piss someone and make him feel insulted. MAN! am i that good with the smile? that i could go provoking people all over? Then the whole street that i walk on would be angry at me all the time? What? is he so sensitive that he cant take a smile for something else but to think of it as an insult and piss himself off? man.. he needs some counselling.

food, drinks, croud, you name it.

two days ago i planned about today about the japanese ghost festival they call bon odori. first i go queensbay because i have this friend that i need to meet and a little walking around here and there as sort of a warm up. then after that only go to bon odori.
arriving at that place with two other friends of mine, we saw already a traffic jam. to be specific, we haven't even reached it yet. its still around 15 minutes walk from where we were. then we decided not to wait, get down the car and started walking. when we are there already we kinda made fun about everything and one. then the night takes over the skies. at that time i only realized that i haven't taken any food or water for the past four hours. then i got a call and go to meet my godsister to take my coupons. she was with my other schoolmates when i saw her. from that time onwards, i had multiple calls of "WHERE ARE YOU", and "WHERE ARE YOU". i have been running here and there for quite some time because i dont haave any objectives. so just take it as an exercise. i got calls from one place to another.. multipple.. the most bussiest day of my year. that's what i have been hoping for the past 6 months. getting busy. i met an old friend there and all we did was hi and byed. so sad... but im just glad that she came back and she's still in one piece.. haha.
after eating, i got busy again but this time it is was getting shorter and shorter. because my friends have their friends to accompany already. so i just walk around and look at people and food stalls and drinks. wanna buy but not enough money and limited coupons in my pocket. my friends and i took pictures and laugh all the way but some times later we seperated and regrouped and seperate again and regrouped again. lol.. anyway... the best part about bon odori is the fireworks (i guess). i look at it and enjoyed it. its so fun and relaxing for some reason. after that i ate again and drink again. because of the food that i haven't had for the past 6 months has made me mouthwatered. finally, thanks to my godsis that i get the transport home and mostly i want to thank my mum and appreciate what she has done for me today. i love her very much for always and forever. she's my best of the best mum for my whole life. no one else can replace her. and now im home right here typing. im so tired and my legs are on FIRE.. anyway.. gots to go..

anger

today was kind of not a day that i expected it would be. i shared with my friend about the bus story and he said not to be myself and i have no idea how to do that.. i have also heard one of my friends say that i should change to a better me. maybe i've changed to a worst. my friend told me his story and he asked me to translate it in english and write it down and so i did. he said that his heart aches because of football.. haha lols.. but that was what it is. the whole thing. some people say that i should change to a better. i've tried and im still trying and i still dont know which part is still wrong. no one ever tells me... no one ever bothers to.. one more thing. this morning was kinda frustrating. we were supposed to go for PJ this morning but instead they setup a "ceramah" for us.. its like talking about "hak hak pekerja"... its well.. boring... might as well go to PJ.. wasted our time.. i was looking forward to PJ today but.. haih...