Memory.

As of today, i'm afraid that i might have learned my lesson. To think that i could actually take care of a dog in the first place was the mistake that i ever made. I know that what i did was wrong. but i had no other choice. Words of a guilty man huh? Thinking back at the day where i found it was underneath a bench situated at the lobby of my apartment. My friend and i found it and i was stupid enough to listen to his convincing to take it back home to take care of it. Thinking about it just makes me sick and frustrating. I never thought that bringing it back to the place which was my house and not his. Never gave a thought that the one that would be taking responsibilities was not him but me. But whenever i ask of his help, it's as if he is the one that'll be taking responsibilities. He'd push it all on me. So much for a friend i'd ask. I've asked him that since he cared about it so much, why not he take it home, he didn't care. He didn't stand by my side and thought about it for a moment. Really... so stupid of me. Now i had live with the feeling of guilt and the wongdoing for the rest of my life. I let the puppy go. But the thing is, i had a feeling that it was collected by an elderly man that i walked past when i wanted it to run on its own. Hopefully he's a good guy and would sincerely take good care of it. God, forgive me for i have sinned. I'd commit my sin to you and i'd ask for your forgiveness oh Lord. In Jesus's name, i pray, Amen.

Waking up

      Haven't really been catching up to blog lately, been busy with school and all. At times, i just couldn't accept, i admit, that the world is somehow changing and it creates a little fire in me because i cant do anything about it. I started small. i try to be there for all my cared ones and i understand that some friends come and go and some friends don't. It is at this point that proves, for the fact that one of my friend were playing basketball with me one day and usually, when i play basketball, i'd smile. This particular day, i'd smile in a game with him and he himself taking it as an insult and gets mad all about it. Plus, basketball is a game where players can play however way they want and this dude goes ahead and gets mad too when i dont play it the way he wanted me to. It MAKES PERFECT SENCE. He has been a complainer and a whinner, and they're more or less all the perfect little things that describes him. He goes to a restaurant filled with people with me. When we finally got a seat, he'd complain about not going to sit at that seat, with any possible reason he can strike up. He'd enjoy making people in pain and only caring about his own. He's the one and only guy that i know, that blames or scolds him mum whenever there's something that he doesn't quite cope with. example? a dog that he barely knows one month that got bloated, he'd blame everything. He doesn't know the life he lives and the life of others does he? I dont know but he doesn't seem quite sure with himself, for the fact that he'd post something stupid on youtube like after that last basketball match we had and i'd share it with another friend tht either of us know. This other friend goes ahead and tell him and he too post a statement on his faceboook wall talking about a little boy complaining and i'd assume that he's talking about me. But i'd sure hope he isn't talking about himself that someone is THAT childish enough to post something like this in his facebook wall? what, he's got no mirror at home for him to take a good look at himself before judging calling others what HE is? I dont know, but when he reads this blog, he's gotta rush to the convenience store immediately. *laugh*


       Im a little surprised however that some people would actuall defend this guy. Most of it would his buddies where they get to know him during school times. There's is this particular dude that relaly puts up with the other guy that is pissed with his lack of reputation and self-esteem. He says exactly what the other dude says. That ME smiling in a basketball game could actually piss someone and make him feel insulted. MAN! am i that good with the smile? that i could go provoking people all over? Then the whole street that i walk on would be angry at me all the time? What? is he so sensitive that he cant take a smile for something else but to think of it as an insult and piss himself off? man.. he needs some counselling.

food, drinks, croud, you name it.

two days ago i planned about today about the japanese ghost festival they call bon odori. first i go queensbay because i have this friend that i need to meet and a little walking around here and there as sort of a warm up. then after that only go to bon odori.
arriving at that place with two other friends of mine, we saw already a traffic jam. to be specific, we haven't even reached it yet. its still around 15 minutes walk from where we were. then we decided not to wait, get down the car and started walking. when we are there already we kinda made fun about everything and one. then the night takes over the skies. at that time i only realized that i haven't taken any food or water for the past four hours. then i got a call and go to meet my godsister to take my coupons. she was with my other schoolmates when i saw her. from that time onwards, i had multiple calls of "WHERE ARE YOU", and "WHERE ARE YOU". i have been running here and there for quite some time because i dont haave any objectives. so just take it as an exercise. i got calls from one place to another.. multipple.. the most bussiest day of my year. that's what i have been hoping for the past 6 months. getting busy. i met an old friend there and all we did was hi and byed. so sad... but im just glad that she came back and she's still in one piece.. haha.
after eating, i got busy again but this time it is was getting shorter and shorter. because my friends have their friends to accompany already. so i just walk around and look at people and food stalls and drinks. wanna buy but not enough money and limited coupons in my pocket. my friends and i took pictures and laugh all the way but some times later we seperated and regrouped and seperate again and regrouped again. lol.. anyway... the best part about bon odori is the fireworks (i guess). i look at it and enjoyed it. its so fun and relaxing for some reason. after that i ate again and drink again. because of the food that i haven't had for the past 6 months has made me mouthwatered. finally, thanks to my godsis that i get the transport home and mostly i want to thank my mum and appreciate what she has done for me today. i love her very much for always and forever. she's my best of the best mum for my whole life. no one else can replace her. and now im home right here typing. im so tired and my legs are on FIRE.. anyway.. gots to go..

anger

today was kind of not a day that i expected it would be. i shared with my friend about the bus story and he said not to be myself and i have no idea how to do that.. i have also heard one of my friends say that i should change to a better me. maybe i've changed to a worst. my friend told me his story and he asked me to translate it in english and write it down and so i did. he said that his heart aches because of football.. haha lols.. but that was what it is. the whole thing. some people say that i should change to a better. i've tried and im still trying and i still dont know which part is still wrong. no one ever tells me... no one ever bothers to.. one more thing. this morning was kinda frustrating. we were supposed to go for PJ this morning but instead they setup a "ceramah" for us.. its like talking about "hak hak pekerja"... its well.. boring... might as well go to PJ.. wasted our time.. i was looking forward to PJ today but.. haih...

things change

a lot have been happenning eversince i stopped blogging... somethings change to better and some to the worst.. friends were the first priorities... first of all, i have always dreamt of friends that might understand me better so that they will know what to do if anything change in me. all around me are friends that say bad words... i've been trying to tell my friends not to say bad words ever since form one but since they dont listen they i sort of gave up.

my hearts feels as if there is a stone on top of it now. everything is so ironic. maybe its because of this:
there is this girl from school bus that i have wanted to know.. one day i just went up to her and talk. she gave not much response and i know that she's shy.. so i left her alone soon later as everytime when i try talking to her, she doesn't give much response. its not that i like her, long as i get to be friends and and a girl to talk to in bus, i would be happy enough adi. but everytime i talk to her, its either she nod, skake her head or just smile. she would talk of course but not more than 10 words. we became just hi and bye friends. that's all ... i would share stuff with her but she's way too shy.
the following three weeks, we didn't talk much. but then there's this random guy who just went up to her and ask for her phone number and she gave him reluctantly. two days later they became bro and sis close. they shared so much stuff and they talked. though i was a little jealous and a little mad because of this. the thing im mad about is that i tried so hard to communicate to this girl and she just... dont care... and that guy on the other hand, got her phone number and they became so close in such a short time.
i didn't think of doing anything as causing trouble would lead to more troubles. so i just kept quiet and just let it be. i have also tried talking to her in mandrin or hokkien because i thought that english might not work or she doesn't know how to respond with that language well... i was hoping for at least a better talk between us for that day but to no avail. so since she doesn't wanna talk, i'd thought that i'll just let it be. this is one of the things that has kept me down. just resisted...

once again, i blog... its been a long time since i signed in... a lot has happened and i dont know where to begin. today, im sad. i almost emo-ed the whole day because of last night that i might have made my sister sad and she cried. i blame myself because of that. i apolgized to her today but she didn't reply. she seems to be wanting to ignore me. i have said my sorries and she doesn't seem to take it seriously... i cant do anything but just telling her how important she is to me and how desperate i want her forgiveness... how i wished that she would just say "i forgive you" but she didn't. she's the only godsis i have and the closest thing i have to family, things that i share with. she usually calls me brother in mandarin... but today.. (dont wanna talk about it) i hate school and i like school at the same time.. i hate school because of certain people's attitude that i cant take it which is asking me to cause a fight. but preferably not to. though i am sad.. no one in school knows and understands me truely... no one that i know really and truely understands me well enough and truly understands why this happens when im like that and why that happens when im like that... im not saying to know that im important or anything but how i hope, out there, there is a friend who cares and really knows me more than anyone else. that's why i straightforwardly share things with my godsis mostly. but... i might not be able to do it anymore. that's one of the reasons why i share things straightforwardly witht the friends that i have and closest of all... its not that im important but just to let my friends know why this and that happens when im like this and that, so that next time, its easier for me to communicate with them... but it seems like i have to wait longer....anyway.. im not really in the mood today. so.. bye

change of heart

for once, i feel kinda free. undescribable feeling if you want it more frankly. i dont know about guys, this might be more for girls.
today i went to a dinner and saw how happy a newly married couple were. i was actually thinking of something at that moment. next time, maybe my time will come. i cant tell... though love... sometimes can be complicated and if its not cherrished properly, it would have been just thrown away and never to come back. i keep on thinking to myself . how to love more to the people around me and never let them down or dissapoint them.. i try my best and i will keep trying.. how i have hoped for a friend that truely understands me. a friend that knows what i try to tell him at times, a friend knows my behaviors, my characteristics, and my attitude. haih...