Please trust me, darling...

16th January 2013

You know how sad it is to know that you're trying to get someone. You're trying your best to win her trust and in a a way telling that person with not only words but to show that person that you're different and you're like those other people that actually hurt her or not be her guy. I don't know if this is it but i was willing to try. I really do appreciate the fact that she took the effort to make things for me. She made cookies, would tell me that she wont let me go that easily and she would hug me and tell me that im hers and hers only and that she loves me. I feel really really happy when she told me that because no one has ever done that truthfully from their heart to me before except for my mum. Other than that, eventhough if they did, it would mean just merely words and they are just brotherly or sisterly love and nothing as special as the words coming out from the person that you truly love. So that's how i felt when she told me that as she hugged me tight. I felt really happy. As in so happy that it gave me the energy to continue on doing what im doing to make her happy with more surprises and things that in my mind, she would like it and she would be happy about it. 

I have been telling her things that i haven't told anyone before from life experiences to jokes that had happened to me through my daily life. I would share with her. I want her to think that both of us have our own secrets and we have our own space and its like the world doesn't matter as long as we're together. I wish i could tell her this but im still actually working on a way to tell her that by showing her that im not like other guys. I tried to break my promise but to trust in the pinky promise, perhaps it is my fault to disappear. But at the very least, i didn't just ignore the problem and continue moving on as if nothing happened and i'd tell her what have i done and where did i go if i disappeared. But the thing was, im not sure if that's a good thing to do because she goes sad as i told her. She gets upset because of it and i just wont want her to be upset but ever since for a once or twice, she got sad because i disappeared but in return, i thought of giving her a surprise. She thought that i'd be going out with other girls. She thought that i didn't have time for her. She thought that i disappeared because i went out with another girl because there was the first time when i lied to her and telling her that i was going out to find other girls but in reality, i went over to her house with an ice cream and a small surprise. Because she said that she wanted a mask. So i went to buy the ice cream and that mask for her. But she was crying. I wanted her to laugh but she was crying. You want that person to be happy that's why you went and do all those things but in the end, your plan would mean nothing and she cries despite of what you've done for her on that night. You know how that feels? The second time i disappeared during our monthly anniversary. Hung out with one of my friend at prangin and thinking what surprise would i be giving her on that night. But i couldn't think of anything better because everything pretty much uses money.  So i wrote paper by paper of one small stack and handed in to her with an ice cream. But she felt sad instead. She was upset instead of what i'd hope for. FAR from what i was hoping for. To at least see the smile on her face and the stuff that i do would be paid off. Would at least worth it when the aim or the objective that i aimed for really happened and that is to see her smile or laugh because of me, because of what i did for her. But she didn't. She was upset because i didn't really reply her. Because i thought that she would be curious and wondering where i would be or what i'd be doing on the anniversary or expect something better. But negative thoughts won her over. And she got upset because she thought that i didn't care for her. After all those things, she thought that i didn't care for her. Would it seems so that i what i did still wasn't enough to gain her trust? Maybe her ex did better than me but he misused her trust. I tried to gain her trust but because of not having to trust someone, she broke in tears if i disappeared. And at the very least i have a reason for disappearing. I wouldn't just disappear on purpose or anything. Either i was doing something at that time, either i was out of credits, either my phone notification didn't ring loud enough and i must have missed it but i checked it from time to time. But well... i promised her. She said in her facebook status that i broke my promise again. She asked the audience in her blog whether or not she should fall in deeper. And she had doubts that she shouldn't care so much? I follow her blog every single day. Call me a  stalker but i want to know what she did, how she felt because the problem was she couldn't tell me.But whatever that was on my mind, i would tell her. Im not trying to complain about her or anything and i could say that I WILL PREFER HER THAN THAT PIECE OF SHIT last time. And i would want to treasure her like Sam told me to like no one else. And i told myself that i would want her to be my first official girlfriend and my last and no more any other. But i really wonder sometimes, what would it really takes to become the guy for her and to be there for her to listen to her problems and to make her understand that telling me the problems wouldn't make my day go bad or anything but i would try to help her instead? I could be more than her boyfriend for her. I could be there for her as friend as well. I could be there for her as a brother or anybody. As long as this "anybody" that she would TRUST and tell things to and both of us would have our own gossips, out own secrets and our own shares and not bother about anybody else in the world. But i really wonder... what would it take to make her understand that. What can i do to make her trust me? 

Her Trust.

15th January 2013

Today was just one of those normal days when i'd go for what i had planned from the beginning of the day and go on with it for the rest of the day. Today i felt rather uneasy. At some point somewhere during the day.  But aside from that, i did do all the things that my mum asked and did it immediately and tried to continue doing house chores before i went out to join her for lunch. Not only her but with my grandparents as well, because my grandma has been to Aussie for the entire year so today since she came back so might as well go alone with the lunch. One simple lunch. Listened as she told stories about how was the life there and then she came back and the complains about the maids that my mum hired to clear and clean her house because her house is rather big so if she were to clean it herself then it wouldn't do any good for her leg. It has been growing weak. Anyways, earlier i planned to go eat with my baby piggy at genting right after her school. But then then i was late a few minutes cause i got caught in the lunch and i had to wait for the rest to finish then only i'd be dismissed. Then when i got there, there were people and students that just came out, as usual. But i didn't see her bike taking rounds that is if i thought that she came out early. But i didn't see. So first thing that came into my mind, she may be waiting for me at the eating place there. I parked my motor and went and check and waited in case if she was taking rounds again and maybe got caught in the jam cause since it was after school, presumably there's going to be a lot of cars and vehicles. Waited for awhile and i got her call and she said that she was already home. Then never mind. Was rather disappointed because plan failed. And this plans that had failed wasn't the first time but it was my fault for being late. So perhaps next time i'll remember this day and not be late.

When i got there, she told me that she had a headache. First thing that came into my mind was where was the nearest convenient store or any store that actually sells medicines so that i could buy her something to take away the pain in her head. But then she preferred to go to sleep and asked me to leave. I feel really sad and really scared the moment she asked me to leave. So i didn't just want to leave like that so i wanted to make her feel that i want to stay with her as long as i can before i go to play basketball. She asked me to fetch her to one of her besty's house but then i couldn't because i had promised my friends that i would go to play basketball with them back in high school. The thing was, that seemed to be the wrong choice to take. I felt really bad. I already promised my friends and the school ended at 2.10. Usually there was going to be a lot of people but then i knew that those people would hog up all those courts and not let the rest of us play because they sorta chicken out i guess? I chose to stay with her a little longer. It didn't matter if my friends were there or not. I was never going to know if by the time i arrive at school, there was going to be people left to play or everyone as gone home? I never knew. But it all mattered that i was with her at that time. Since i was going to play basketball then i could at the very least keep her company till she sleeps and get some rest and then go to her tuition with a healthy and feeling much better mind. I was with her at that time and that was way past the time that i was supposed to be there but she wasn't feeling well, so i went ahead and keep her company for a little while longer. I mean... doesn't hurt to do so right? Another thing was because i wanted her to know, that perhaps if i can keep my promises that i made to my friends, then i would keep the promises that i made to her. That was what was on my mind at that time. But it seems that she gets upset whenever i disappear and with reasons that i will explain to her later on of the day. But that was another story. I didn't want to disappoint her but it seems that whatever i do, its just not enough to make her as happy as she can knowing that i wont disappoint her. She was disappointed today because i disappeared again and that was because suddenly my mum asked me to go to tesco to buy some stuff for her. And then after that i continue with the plan to visit her. Before that i was having food. I played basketball and went home almost at about 7 and i had a bad stomachache. I cleared my bowels and then searched for food. I was eating for the past 1+ hours cause there was nothing left in my stomach. That was one of the reasons why i couldn't reply her because after eating, i straight went for my shower and then went to tesco buy things and then go on to her house for a visit. I thought that if i couldn't accompany her in the afternoon then maybe i could make it up to her by accompanying her till she falls asleep? Well it didn't work. I ride home after buying the stuff to give my mum her stuff and was already on the way there when she called and told me that she was already going to sleep and she doesn't need me to come anymore. I was a little sad at that time. But i hid that behind a laugh and continue joking with her and enjoyed listening to her voice through the phone. But it was a house phone so it was going to be expensive. And to me, if i can give her the smallest surprise, even if i can, i would give her that surprise because i would imagine that she would be happy. But when i got there, i couldn't call her handphone as usual. Everytime when i reach there, i couldn't call her phone for some apparent and frustrating reason. STUPID DIGI! Anyways, i stood there for awhile and kept on trying to call her by any means. But i couldn't get through. Dont know i stood there for how long but finally when i got to her house phone, she talked for awhile and then my phone ran out of credits. THAT WAS MY ONLY HOPE OF CONTACTING HER WHEN IM OUTSIDE!!! BUT ITS GONE. So i waited outside for awhile and can't think of anything to do. If i were to call her, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore. But i had no choice. If i were to walk away then she may be even more disappointed that i didn't come. So i called out her name and her mum opened the door. I went in the room and she was already upset because i disappeared. But by means of my disappearing, i couldn't reply due to the reasons that i have said on the above. Anyways, i tried to make her smile. I tried to make her laugh but my jokes and the things that i do would not work. No matter how much funny i try to be she wouldn't laugh or smile. But at that time instead, she told me to go home because she was already going to sleep. Then i tried to tell her out of it that i came to visit her and to make it up to her because of not accompanying her and couldn't fetch her that afternoon. But what i did was not enough. I just need to try a little harder. I was kinda disappointed when she said that she wouldn't want to fall deeper into the relationship and wouldn't want to try as hard as she did before because she got dump by some punk ass bitch that took her as a housemaid  instead of a real girlfriend. So i had to understand that she could fully trust me and she could fully fall into it when she is ready and so i told her that she can have all the time that she needs. I was upset. I was rather disappointed but i had to understand. So i swallowed all that pile of crap and continue doing what i'm doing and i will continue doing until the day that i can really fully gain her trust. Don't know when that day is going to be but i just gotta continue hoping and believing. Anyways she told me to go home that time and it was late. but i told her that i could stay a little while and accompany her till she sleeps. she didn't want at first and i felt a little hurt inside when she told me to go. And i thought, so much for making her happy and now look what i have done. And i couldn't force her to let me stay, its her house after all and i have to respect her. But she changed her mind because her eldest brother went out and left one of the rooms empty. We went in and lay down. I wanted to talk to her and have a chat share some stories like always but then i was afraid that tomorrow is going to be the replay of today as in her having a headache so i just let her sleep. And here i am now confused and not really sure what else to do. She wouldn't want to tell my her problems because she is afraid that she would end up getting disappointed but nevertheless i would tell her my problems when i can and i know that she will be there to listen to me. I wonder when would be the day when she could tell me the same thing. That she would trust me enough and to tell me her problems that she face and the concept of being together is all about being sad together and being happy together. Piggies look after each other. Sometimes i think, perhaps this is a challenge for me? Perhaps i still have to try harder to win her trust like her ex and to be better than her ex? Because whatever that i do now, such as the plans that i made to surprise her, made her cry instead. Because my plan contents would give her negative thoughts and she would shed tears because she haven't trust me enough yet. So just plain afraid to give her another surprise next time. Anyways, im too tired to continue. This is all that i can think of for now and they are the happenings of for the past few days. This is the update altogether. I couldn't update because i'll be writing on my story instead. :)

Gardia

So i haven't been on the blog for quite a long time cause i had to choose to continue typing or adding on ideas and stuff for the story that im planning to write on and then sell it to people as soon as its done. so im going to start with friends and family to see if those that are interested would want to buy the story that is written by me. im not pretty sure about what's going to be the results but its also one way to start to earn some pocket money before chinese new year comes. 

So this picture (yes, this is the first picture in the whole blog that i have because i didn't know how to upload pictures back then but when i do, i didn't have any pictures to upload. So anyways, to start off, this book that im writing, it used to be a story where there's going to be a lot of gunfights involving monsters, aliens and the humans. And also there are lots of conflicts in there but i started to realize that it teaches no lesson. If i were to read something and well, it wouldn't be much of an interest if i don't get to learn a thing throughout the whole book. So this time im going to add in some of the things such as, there will be stuff that has to do with friendship, love, care and the sacrifices that had to be made whenever the time comes. Although im still not quite used to this new perspective yet but perhaps i could throw in a few comedies as well and what life had taught me so far and perhaps in hopes to inspire people and to tell them indirectly that whatever that they are facing, it is never the end of the world yet to change. 

So there's this thing about the story that im writing and the picture that i had posted is actually going to be the front page at the moment. its the best that i could come up with but i got it from some other place so its obviously not original. But im working the one that i want to do on my own so i dont have to plagiarize. Anyways, that's all that i've been working on for these few days but if anyone, that is the ones who actually reads this blog, could go to the page by the name of "Gardia". This is where its all going to be: updates, the short explanation for the reader about what the book is going to be and more to come later on. So check it out whenever. :) Hope it sparks your interests! 

All for you

27th November 2012

     Things didn't exactly turned out how i saw it from the beginning. At the beginning, i thought that college life was supposed to be fun until i realized that i joined a course that im haven't even got any interest in. I spent the entire year cooped up in there, stuffed with presentations and assignments. Not only that but also not to mention that there are also the teachers that treat students like high school students with the worse kind of attitude that anyone can possible imagine. They even take the attendance so bloody seriously. Well, that's one way a rich college would treat the people who had less money to afford but made it there just to waste the money. Pressuring students and eating money, sucking the money from the people like ATM machines. Damn hate it. I dont know im hating it because of that i went in the wrong course, or my point of view is exactly what it is that i see happening.
Well today's actually the 18th of Dec and i decide to finish up this blog since the other day when i can't finish because lack of energy. Well, actually im not having all that much of energy right now but there's this someone who'd want to see updates coming out so... just do it for this person :D So as you know i met this girl and she became my baby piggy. Yup, my one and only and thinking of her just takes away all the troubles of the day. Well not entirely because i still need to remind her to drink water, to ask her whether she has eaten or not and to know if she had a good day. IF she doesn't then im going to be the one to put the smile on her face. Somehow, for her, i'd want to put that smile and i feel that its worth it and i can see or tell that she appreciates the stuff that i do for her. I dont know about this but maybe its because she's my first girlfriend in my life and i couldn't get used to this kind of stuff. There's a lot of things that are new to me when it comes to relationship and there's a lot of things that i have to learn also. For example, to know how to make you happy lor baby! xD Aren't she the cutest person in the whole wide world? hahah :D All i could say is she's way better than her and i sometimes not too sure if im doing things that may be good enough for her to make her happy. Well, at least i could tell myself that i have tried.
hmmm... what else... lets see... surprises that i have made for her, not too sure if they are all the best but hope she smiles? And oh yea, actually i wanted to give her a Christmas surprise. So the thing was i added all her friends and told them that i was together with her. Although she wanted to do it but i told her not to because it was all part of the plan because on the day of the surprise itself, everyone's going to be there and everyone's going to reveal that we're already in a relationship and to surprise her but then plan had failed. why? because one, her relatives are coming over. Two, most of her friends can't make it and three, the steps and the plans of the procedure doesn't add up and doesn't make any sense. Well i just have to think of another one. Well, knowing that someone has the same things or the common thinking or opinions when it comes to certain things as you do, it's just great cause you don't have to explain much and you both know what each other is thinking already. hahhaa
she was the first person that i held hands with when i went out. she's the first girl that i skyped with at night to morning because she was afraid to sleep alone and i were to accompany her. No matter how tired i was, i still want to do it for her because i want her to know that if all else fails, then there's still someone that she can depend on or rely on. I sure hope if she knows she can really rely on me :D
And before i go, there's also one last thing for this blog. Baby, if you have anything you can tell me de kay? Im always here for you and im always here to listen to your problems ^_^ because if i have any problems, i'd be doing the same by telling you  :D
loves you baby
that's all for today :D see ya! 

Tasting Bitter Before Sweet

20th November 2012

     So i've not been updating my blog recently because i've been occupied by life's challenges? i guess that's called? So i'll be updating this from time to time nevertheless. Funny how this is like talking to myself. Anyway, so whatever that's gone is gone. Whatever that's past, i shall let it be the past. So there are several things that are worrying me now. These are the things that i've been facing and these are the things that i still have to face NO MATTER WHAT.

NUMBER ONE : the news is, i have an upcoming exam. HOORAY! YIPPEE! BUT i haven't started reading a single thing. -_- pretty good right? currently focusing on the couple of other things also which distracts me from the utmost importants. 

NUMBER TWO : i have a presentation and im working on it as i type. Two assignments to hand in by tonight or else im not going to turn off my lappy alive. or asleep that is. One to know what im going to be talking about tomorrow and the other have to hand in to my other team leader. 

NUMBER THREE : tomorrow is one of the presentation day and i have stage fright. Dont know what im going to be talking about tomorrow but then im just going to do my best. i had to...and i just hate this. 

NUMBER FOUR : actually there isn't any number four, all stated on the above already. 

So despite all of those crap that i the college life has to through at me, i met this girl recently. And this girl actually brought colours into my life. I started liking her as soon as i got out with her the first time. The first time that i met her, she was in a shopping mall, working in a gift shop. At that time i didn't know which to buy so she came over, as how usually the worker would attend to the customer. I was thinking of buying some stuff for my sister cause at that time it was her birthday. It was kind of a rush so i didn't know what to buy. So she came over and hoped that she might assist me in anyway. Usually i would hesitate talking to someone straight off like that but that time i didn't. I straight away asked her and i asked for her opinion for which to buy cause she is also a girl and she would know which taste a girl wants. So thinking that i got everything, she got it all wrapped up and i paid and i left. At that time, i really hope that i can see her again cause she was the first worker that i've said things to so casually. especially when she's a girl. HAHA so anyways, after a while, one of my college mate's birthday came and i thought i'd go back to the same place to buy. There are times when i passed by when i went to visit another friend who was working in the same district but at that time i couldn't see her. I felt kinda disappointed when i realized she doesn't work there anymore. Was already planning to get her facebook or her number or at least her name the next time i see her. But then haih, maybe by fate we will meet again. So i looked forward to that time. 

So one day when i logged into my facebook and i saw a notification or someone added me recently. So i was very happy whether if it was a girl or boy cause its the feeling you get before opening a your presents. So i opened and saw this girl's profile. when i looked into her profile, not exactly stalking, just to get the idea of who she was, i thought she looked familiar in her profile picture. So i approved and asked her to introduce herself. Sometime later, she replied and she revealed that she was indeed that girl that i met back at the gift shop and i was so damn happy and glad, although i didn't show it, when i see her. So we got to know a little bit and we went out the first time and i started liking her when i started to know how she was like. We have so much in common. There's so many things that we can share and there's so many thing that we could talk about together. But i kinda fell for her and i didn't tell her. I didn't dare to because she had only suffered a heartbreak and i dont want to be the guy that suddenly jumps into her life and spoils or messes up everything. so i kept it all to myself. I didn't dare tell her or confess to her because i wasn't sure if my chances of getting her would be the same as the other girls that had rejected me. So i too hesitate and just appreciate and not complain about the friendship that we share. I didn't want to break it up. So one day i told her that i have a crush on a girl and i wouldn't want to tell her who she is but i told her what i was thinking and that i will show her who that girl is. She wouldn't believe me and kept on forcing me. haha :D remembering those moments. 

I told her that i didn't want to tell her is because i dont want to break apart this friendship that we share and she had just suffered a heartbreak at that time and if i were to confess to her and even if we got together, other people may think bad of her, such as a person who switches boyfriends from one to another. I didn't want anyone to think bad or her but the urge to tell her that i like her and i just want to be with her, is like not allowed to play games when you are very addicted to it. 

So after numerous tries and attempts of me breaking the secret, i told her and confessed to her at the same time and she told me the same thing in return. So that was how it began. But i told her that, if she can manage her studies, if she knows what she's doing, her parents or her family doesn't mind and if she's happy with it then i can go with it as well. So that was when we got together and  frankly, she is the first girl that i've actually confessed to and she's the first girl that got into a real relationship with me. 

So that was just a few days before my Car test that i went to recently. She was the only one that woke up that early to keep me company and to support me further when the situation was getting intense back at the driving school. But she slept after that. The only person in the world that would do that for me. She gave me a nickname and so i had one for her too. Most of the things that i like she likes to. Everything that a guy can do for a girl is special to her, even down to hugs and kissed on the forehead. so i reserved those for her as well cause they were also special to me before sometime ago. The only girl that would ask for a hug eventhough she knows that im covered with sweat. The first text that i see everytime when i wake up and getting a morning message. The call that i get when im supposed to wake up early and it was from her. A wake up call. How happy she was she i told her that i've missed her the entire day and how much i love her. I dont really say much about the three words because i want it to be special. I wish i could say it everyday and everytime when i see her but if i were to do that every single time then upon special occasions, those three words would mean nothing. The first girl that would get worried when i dont reply her text. The first girl that would care about me like no other persons besides my treasured family and friends. A girl that cares about how i would feel. A girl that actually shows the appreciation that i can see when i've done something for her. The only girl that would turn on the skype and leave it just so I can see her sleep and she ,me. Now despite of how much work i have, Im looking at her sleeping so soundly. :) Wish i could be there with her. But anyhow, i still have work to do. 

All i hope is that she would come to know the person i am and to know what runs through my mind. Because of all people, i want her to be able to understand. I want her to trust me. And i want her to care for me as much as i would care for her. There aren't anybody that i can think of that can replace her. Wish i could tell her how much i love her and how many of hugs that i just want to give her. Perhaps one but for this one i'd never let go. She's the one and only piggy that i have. And the one and only piggy that i want to protect and care for.  :D love you piggy ^_^

Wasted Movie. Damn!

12th April 2012. 

     Damn. Time passes so damn fast nowadays. Time so precious. Life is short. But enjoy it. So i've been told. two more days and my license would go expire. And then i gotta go renew it again. DAMN DAMN DAMN! Damn what?  Damn nothing. Didn't do all that crap earlier. Anyways, there was an earthquake yesterday. I went to queens and i went to enjoy a little bit in the arcade, playing my favorite one. As usual, i would look around and see if anyone was looking. But there was none. Perhaps i flattered myself about how good am i at playing it. Haih.... But it wasn't before long when i realized that i was just trying to show off. But doesn't matter. Feels good to enjoy this feeling once in a while. :)
      These days, my friend had been so committed to his modeling thing and he had been hunting jobs. Finally he found one. That's good for him though. Let's him know how precious money is to people nowadays and how hard it is to earn them. Good experience for him. haha ;D me, on the other hand, perhaps already there is a job waiting for me. Good for learning and good for practicing also at the same time. Plus going to college and then enjoy my life from then on. Its just so friggin awesome. Looking forward to life surprises. The feeling is just simply magnificent. 

        As i was saying, we parted ways in Queens and i went straight home with my mum to pick up dad and sis then we all together went to prangin mall to change my pants and walk around in the swimming costumes department. Bought a new pants but doesn't exactly fit to be a swimming. Haih but doesn't matter. It suits for home wear. Good enough for me :) Just when sis went into the changing room, there was an earthquake. A moment ago, my dad called and told me that we were watching a movie called Battleship. i was like okay cool. Then when my sister was only halfway changing, the tremors came and my dad called. At first i didn't realize until i saw people running and i was wondering what was going on. My dad told us to get out of the building because of earthquake. Then i was like "Earthquake?! Thought we're watching Battleship?! i was thinking about this inside of my head. But the thing was, that's when i realized that the ground was shaking back and forth. Mom was there as well. She felt it too. And we quickly called for sis and went down straight. Within 10 minutes, most of the shops in the building had been closed and everyone gathered outside and taking pictures. This was a life and death matter and there were still people taking pictures. Was there a crack in the middle of the road or something? I went to take a look and only noticed that the people were taking pictures of people. As if they've never seen crowds before. PPPPFfftttt.

After that we went back in for the movies. Dad bought some ice cream but i lost my appetite. The tremor scared the shit outta me. But i got over it as soon as it came. 

Movie was awesome! Until the part where the building shook the second time. Damn. wasted. "But can watch finish first then go home ah?" one guy asked and we laughed. But whenever these things happen, WE GO OUT AND WE GO HOME! ;D

I wish....

10th April 2012

      The fear, the stress that forms and lingers in my heart and mind is affecting the days and the way im living my life right now. Felt like there'are so many things to do and yet they all have not been done yet. So this is what real life really feels like eh? without plans. All is stressed up. haihyai yai yai yai. But however, when i complete a task or i have finally finished something, there'll be a voice in my head saying "Mission Accomplished". Feels good really. but when a task isn't completed... haih...

a feeling of nervousness and fear. Because of my damn license and what else... my career, my college, the money, the job that i wanna chose to take and my beloved future. haih haih haih.... this is really stressing me out! 

SOMEBODY SAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!