Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Shitty day...

4th February 2013

Not going to type much. Rather exhausted for the time being, gonna keep it as short and as simple as possible. So today i woke up early.. as early as my baby piggy but she got up first and was already at school when i was just wondering what was going on. I woke up and i was still dizzy from...
Gah! you know what? forget about it!

Hoping For Things To Turn For The Better

1/15/2014 Wednesday, evening

     New Year has come and i realized that im sure to be posting something up here as if a new chapter has begun in life like everyone else thinks. Its been such a long time since i've posted something in a blog. Hoped that someone might read it and give me ideas, advices apparently it didn't happen. so basically im just talking to the blog itself. The greatest listener i guess? Anyways, there's so much to say i dont even know where to start. Perhaps i can start from what's been going on my mind for these couple of years. There was a time for me to make choices and hoped or wished that they weren't going to be bad choices even though i understood that people makes mistakes and gain experience in life and not repeat it in future. As for me, perhaps i've been going through mistakes for uncountable times. 
     I remember those days when i'd come home or stay back in school to play basketball and get in trouble for getting home late, those when i had carefree days and knowing what's gonna come tomorrow: either spanked by my teacher for not doing homework the previous days or basketball in the morning, school, break and basketball afternoon. I remember those days when one of my best pals would come over, tell me his problems, drink, play games and laugh, swim, basketball and watch movies. Sometimes he'll come alone but sometimes he'll be coming with another friend or more than one. But the days that i missed most were the days when i get to hang around with friends, relax and have a  few drinks with my best pals. 
     Apparently i feel that im losing that pal of mine. YES, its true that he's still around and will be able to listen to what i have to stay and feel for me. Still available for drinks. Even though he lives near but we seem so far away. I dont know why but whenever we used to have fights, i'd still want to meet up with him, apologize whether or not if its my fault because i guess that's what best pals are for. But i guess too that those days are over. Everyone has their own lives and own things to do and somewhere to go to. He has his college friends, his college life, his girlfriend to take care of, his photo-shooting sessions as a freelance. He's the closest that i can think of apparently cause i use to have "a few" but now its been a handful. But when you're in need, you turn to those who would not leave you behind. I used to have a couple of friends that call me their bestfriend but i figured out that apparently they may not know the meaning of it. All in all they do things that i dont like. Even though, yes they have been there at times when i was in need of listeners. But whenever i really need their help with something, they were never there for me. Not even to be there when my bike ran out of petrol or broke down. But they had time for their cards and games and their own friends of their own kind. I've other friends as well. They are close by but our hearts seem so far away. My basketball friends. They are still here for now like the rest of my friends when they were still around during high school. But im sure they have their own plans in life and targets to head to. The question that had been ringing and lingering in my head for such a long time was how long can they be still here? a year or two? Its 2014 now and time passes so damn friggin quick and here i am sitting and blogging. Why? cause i got nothing much to do while others pull on their shows and have started running ahead of me. I somehow feel that i've been left behind. Somewhere somehow i have a feeling everyone has their backs on me. Except the close ones. Everything that i do, like to do or able to do, everyone else seem to be doing it better than i am. I thought i loved baking cause of sweets and pastries and cakes, decorating and everyone can have a bright day with smiles on their faces ahead. But when i see the competition ahead of me, i held back. In terms of basketball, i can say that i could still be better and i could still improve. Today i had a game and there's this guy who changed marks because i was too weak that i dont need to be taken care of. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. He told me why after the game. He said "you're a stationary shooter," this was the part that i've felt that perhaps all the shots that i've made could have gotten myself a little credit till i heard a "but" on what he was gonna say after that. "I wasn't supposed to score but your team were supposed to be because when a playmaker scores, the game is lost.  You're a stationary shooter, i'll admit but if you're gonna continue to be playing in this court, you wont improve," those words stroke me hard. I didn't see that coming. Even though it wasn't a criticizion, it wasn't an insult, but it wasn't a praise either. I loved basketball a lot that i wanted to be stronger, better and and faster. But apparently, as i realized, i wasn't going anywhere with improvements unless i train myself.
     Not only in terms of basketball, but in everything else, i can always seem to find someone that can do better than that than i can. I have no idea why but i just kept on thinking about it. I've even read an article and it says its not healthy doing that but i just can't help it. There was once when i went to college but i made the wrong choice by quiting because of the wrong reasons resulting the wastage of my parents effort and money and also nothing to fall back to, not even a certificate. All this because of the wrong reasons. And now i dont have a path, i dont have an aim, i dont have a target, i dont have a place to go to, an objective to accomplish or a mission to complete. As much as i'd hate to admit it, im wasting my time. Im throwing them all away as they come. I looked at my friends or others around me and i can see they have a place to go and something to do. All of them either studying abroad or telling me they have lots of work and there's a lot of stress. But all i can do is talk about basketball. To be honest, in my family tree, aside from the younger once, im the last and the only one of its kind. The eldest brother is working as a party planner, come down from there were five younger brothers. One studying both local and abroad to become a doctor, his younger brother planning to study as a lawyer. No doubt about that because besides his brother, his grades were exceptional. The other two are engineers to-be. And then there's me. What am i? Basketball player? I have everyone's support and i deeply appreciate it. But somehow i can't make use of the help that i've got. Im not even sure i can even be called a basketball player. What am i good at? What can i do as a contribution to my family. Everyone has a purpose in life. I guess i haven't found mine yet. Or it could even be well in front of me. and i just couldn't see it.
     I've found that there are always pictures, videos, words and also ideas coming out of my head. I got a feeling that i can be writing stories. Books even! I love watching movies cause they inspire me with ideas. and not to forget reading books as well. There are a lot of ideas that i can come up with, with just a paper and a pen in front of me. i can constantly write on and on creating a story as i go. Perhaps i can be a writer? Perhaps its my destiny to become a writer? 

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Fighting On

17th January 2013

Last night i was about to bring my tu boh kia home from my house that time, cause she came over to my house because she knew that she was going to be alone the whole day and saying "i go your house do homework," was one of the best thing that she said to me and i was glad. That was after playing basketball with a group of my school friends that stayed back So usually i'd go there and play with them since there's no one to play with around the housing area. So when i was about to bring her home, i went into my sister's room to ask her to go shower. She was still on the phone with someone. Earlier i heard my mum said that she was only given 10 minutes left and she over used the time and continued chatting. I asked her to go shower and everything that i asked her to do is what she's supposed to do and i'll talk to her nicely at first. Its her response that changes the voice that i give when i talk back to her. she talked back to me asking me to wait and she said that she wants to say bye to the one that she's talking to. Saying bye wouldn't take more than 5 seconds right? But she can't do it. Stupid girl. She asked me to get out of the room instead in a manner of a person as if she's elder than me. What a rude small little girl. I have a list of complains about her actually. The endless list. I try to be the best brother that she can have but will she be willing to do her part as well? A long road ahead to know and find out more and i must still reach the end with the strength to fight on.

Wordless Thoughts.

20th January 2013

Yesterday, me, kahan and weng yew went to give tu boh kia a ride home because earlier she realized that she misplaced her wallet where her license will be. So she told me that she's got a ride there but no ride home. And so i offered her a ride when she is done with her marching. At the meantime after having a phone chat with her, it was supposed to be a short chat but then i missed her at that time and i didn't want to close the phone because i was indulged in the feeling of hearing her voice at that time. And at the same time, i was in the middle of the bloody traffic jam after. First it was because of my stupid bike which got a tire puncture at some point. The night before it was still okay and in good condition and every other day after that the puncture takes place. What, did it wait till i wasn't looking and then let the air out? anyways, at the beginning i thought that i was running out of air and on the way there was the shell petrol station and i thought i could insert some air. But unfortunately the rubber that stored the air within the tyre split and came out. Once it did, it got caught in the rims and f**ked up everything. And i pushed my bike to the repairer because at that time he haven't open shop yet so i couldn't wait because the main priority at that time was to get my sister to school first. I thought of asking tu boh kia first but remembered that she wasn't available. I sms-ed kahan at that time and i remembered that he had class cause although it was a weekend but its just the beginning of the day before the real weekend. Would have asked Sam if it wasn't because of him being in China. Anyways there was the short list of people that i would ask and the last person on earth that i wanted to ask was Azman. I gave him a call but he didn't pick up. For a moment i didn't know what to do so i asked my sister to stand under a shady place because she had to carry her bag and her books while i stood there with my bike and think before pushing it to the lorong. Then i remembered my car. The car that i haven't started in a fortnight. So i decided to try because the battery was a changed one and it was because the previous one not starting because didn't start engine for a long time. So i were to risk that or look through the list of people that could help. I can't call my mum because she has to come back all the way from work. So both of us walked all the way back and took the car. Fortunately when i turner the key, the engine started. There wasn't any petrol left and luckily i had 20 bucks. Pumped petrol and got caught in a traffic jam but was only late a couple of minutes for my sister. So most probably she wouldn't get into trouble. After that i knew i had to get back to tu boh kia cause her stuff was with me and she have to go back to school for marching later that day. I called her and i told her that i wasn't sure if i can make it. Athough it was last minute but i thought at the very least i told her and maybe if im really late then at least she had a backup plan or at least the time to think of a backup plan. That was when i talked to her on phone and extended the short talk. After that i went to fetch weng yew because i was only around the area and he wanted to come over for an overnight but in the end he got into a wee bit of trouble because of it. Biasa lah ;D at 4.30 i went to pick tu boh kia up and was a little late. She came out after me calling her and she said bye to a guy and he was rather tall. so i didn't really bother. So she came over to my house to shower and slept for the rest of the day until we went to get kahan for dinner because this dear friend of mine has problems at at home with his family members but that's another story. After that we went for shopping at tesco. bought a few things and went home to put the stuff before fetching tu boh kia home. Carried her up because her legs were "Sour". Gave her a hugs and kisses and went off dropping kahan home before going home.
Today i was pretty much angry about certain things. One, my bike being a bitch. Doesn't listen to me, not really reliable, fuel eater, bad engine, only have three gears and best of all, tire punctures the day after when no one uses it the night before. Funny right? Second, i went to the internet cafe with weng yew to check out a game that he introduced and wasn't really happy about it because first, the game didn't allow me to change weapons in the last few rounds and weng yew wouldn't want to change comps with me, or at the very least sacrifice and change for once and let me happy a bit BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE WONT UNDERSTAND SUCH SIMPLE THINGS THAT COULD AT THE VERY LEAST MAKE ME HAPPY. i didn't want to break it up to him in front of him because i know this wouldn't end good. Oh yeah and i got a cut on my finger because of him also. So i told my tu boh kia that i miss her but that moment when she says that i miss someone else whether a guy or a girl more which is not true. and sometimes i didn't know how to argue back. Sam came back today and i was with him right after coming back from sending weng yew home. I was texting with tu boh kia all the way and when she asked if i was with sam at that time i said yes but i was afraid of what comes after in the reply which could be that she may say something like "then nevermind lar, dont want to disturb you liao," or something like that. Anyways, too tired to think. My tu boh kia planned that tomorrow we're going to watch movie tomorrow and its going to be horror show. the feeling of afraid that i have when she said that she may be going to watch with other guys or her friends if i dont watch with her. And i could tell that she was disappointed and she started sending me short texts as if she doesn't want to text anymore but i understand that her mood is out. But couldn't it be a little more positive? When this happens, i dont know what to do. I continued no matter what but she didn't reply anymore so i gave her a call and i couldn't really make out of what she was saying but she said that she was tired so i didn't want to bother her anymore and asked her to go to sleep. So it was all nice till that moment when i told her that i dont have enough money and might not (MIGHT) not watch the horror show. When i asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. But there's always something behind the nothing and she wouldn't tell me and i have to find it out myself. This is when i remember when i have to dig out secrets that she keep, she told me that one of her godbrothers which is very close to the family, manages to dig out her problems and secrets without fail and i've never forgotten it since the day she told me and i thought maybe i could do better? Maybe i can be the same? But why be the same when i can be that someone special to her. How i wish she would tell me her mind and heart and so would i in return. But still... more of the times to come and i have to think of a way? perhaps? Surprises would have worked but both times tried. both time failed. but it doesn't matter now. What's bygones let it be. i just look forward to see her smiling. Other than all of this, my sister is also another issue and my mum and i are trying to figuring ways to get to her. But most of it unfortunately been misunderstood by my tu boh kia. But seldom now. Anyways, to tired and to frustrated to think any longer. I'll just get some rest for tonight. Peace out :)
PS: hope for a new day the moment i wake up but then my baby piggy would be out of her house and start running around my mind for the rest of the day already. ;D

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

We have our own lives to live but lets live it together?

14th January 2013

Baby, this i write to you, and more to come for the rest of the days that you are going to bear with me. Im going to say to you and i will say it to you this time that i will always belong to you and nobody else because i've already made you my first and my last and i promise you this that i wont leave you because of another girl for i know that is not worth it. If it is so, then for the next girl to come i would leave her because of another girl as well. So i might as well not start something that i can't end and be with you for the rest of my life. I want to be with you for as long as i can and i want to treasure you and hold you close to my heart for as long as i can because you're the only tu boh kia in this world that would tell me things and do things for me that nobody else in the world have ever done to me before. So far, as far as i know, i've already built a house for you in m heart and only you can stay there and as you know, every single day from the moment i open my eyes every morning, you come into my mind already. You would go out of the house and start running around my mind. Im curious how you can get the infinite energy and not getting tired of running around my mind all day. And yes baby, i think of you all the time whenever im doing something and some of the things i do it for you. There are a lot of things more to be done and i want to do some of the things for you baby. Because i want you to know that you are the only one there for me and to do all those things for you, they are only done for one person only and that is my tu boh kia. My baby piggy. I wont let anyone replace you baby, because frankly, you're the only girl that would fall in love with a guy like me. haha! :D but doesn't matter, all it matters is that you're mine and no one can snatch you away from me! muaaahhahahahah selfish me! But baby, i know sometimes i may have broken my promise for not replying your message or disappear all of a sudden but those are the replacements for the times that i owe you for tickling. ;) so one time disappear, add another hour of tickle. So since i still owe you less than a day, then add it into the account. i dont know if it works but you know my weakness. hahaha. How i wish we can have our own secrets. How i wish you would tell me what are you sad about and rather than letting me find out by myself and that would ruin my day and that's what being together is all about right? Being there for each other. Being there to take care of each other and we got each other's back no matter what happens. Because in speaking terms of military and a soldier, we never leave a team mate behind. So baby, i want you to trust me. I dont know if im doing good enough for you or anything but i will keep trying till the day you tell me "I trust you," this three words. I know and i understand its hard to trust someone again after one of your trust that you have given someone and that someone broken it. But you can have all the time you want darling. I will be trying. I will be waiting. I want you to be mine forever baby and i want to share all my secrets with you and all the stuff together. and only you. I know i have my own life and you have yours. But i wanna tell you also that you're mine now and im yours too. So take care of me baby? And one more thing baby, i've never failed to say it although sometimes i dont say it is because i want to make those three words as special as possible. But baby, i want to mean those words as well and i love you more than the stars that you can count in the sky at night. And i will keep on loving you till the day you found another guy that's much more worth to your keeping or a guy that can do things better than i did. But even when that day comes, i will always remember that i once loved fell in love with my baby piggy. :) 
Lots of love,
Your Tu Boh  ;D

Today is the tomorrow that you worry about yesterday

There is a time when you know something is totally wrong and you just wanna fix it but you just figured that you can't just fix it like that but you have to go all the way around to fix the problem. So yes, i haven't been blogging in awhile and its been "Awhile" since i've been here. I've been here a couple of times a day to check on someone's blog to see if there are any "interesting" updates. So there it goes.
First of all, spending the precious time with my tu boh kia has never been better. :) i would hug her all day if its possible because i'd proudly say that she's my first official girlfriend that has done things for me that not one girl has ever done for me before. Yes, that girl, that girl that is beside me is the girl that is going to take care of me and im even thinking of marrying her next time? hahaa but i really hope that i could be the guy to marry her. And i wouldn't want to give her up to another guy because she's my first and my last and she treats me like no one else. I really wish we can have more of our own secrets. I want to be her guy that she could trust, she could rely on and she would only understand like no other person and i wouldn't want to let her go just as i know she wouldn't let me go that easily. But she said in her blog that she had doubts that she dont know if she should care more or she should fall into this love much deeper. But i've told her before that she can have all the time in the world. I could wait for her and i will love her more and more until the day that she find another person that love her more than i do? Not too sure but until the day she let me go, then i guess at that time i would have time to sulk and feel guilty about what i've done whatsoever. But that's another story. What matters is that im with her now and i love her for who she is. As someone that i treat as family. ;D I really hope that she can know this one day and to love me back and to trust me all the same. And i love you tu boh kia! :D

Please trust me, darling...

16th January 2013

You know how sad it is to know that you're trying to get someone. You're trying your best to win her trust and in a a way telling that person with not only words but to show that person that you're different and you're like those other people that actually hurt her or not be her guy. I don't know if this is it but i was willing to try. I really do appreciate the fact that she took the effort to make things for me. She made cookies, would tell me that she wont let me go that easily and she would hug me and tell me that im hers and hers only and that she loves me. I feel really really happy when she told me that because no one has ever done that truthfully from their heart to me before except for my mum. Other than that, eventhough if they did, it would mean just merely words and they are just brotherly or sisterly love and nothing as special as the words coming out from the person that you truly love. So that's how i felt when she told me that as she hugged me tight. I felt really happy. As in so happy that it gave me the energy to continue on doing what im doing to make her happy with more surprises and things that in my mind, she would like it and she would be happy about it. 
I have been telling her things that i haven't told anyone before from life experiences to jokes that had happened to me through my daily life. I would share with her. I want her to think that both of us have our own secrets and we have our own space and its like the world doesn't matter as long as we're together. I wish i could tell her this but im still actually working on a way to tell her that by showing her that im not like other guys. I tried to break my promise but to trust in the pinky promise, perhaps it is my fault to disappear. But at the very least, i didn't just ignore the problem and continue moving on as if nothing happened and i'd tell her what have i done and where did i go if i disappeared. But the thing was, im not sure if that's a good thing to do because she goes sad as i told her. She gets upset because of it and i just wont want her to be upset but ever since for a once or twice, she got sad because i disappeared but in return, i thought of giving her a surprise. She thought that i'd be going out with other girls. She thought that i didn't have time for her. She thought that i disappeared because i went out with another girl because there was the first time when i lied to her and telling her that i was going out to find other girls but in reality, i went over to her house with an ice cream and a small surprise. Because she said that she wanted a mask. So i went to buy the ice cream and that mask for her. But she was crying. I wanted her to laugh but she was crying. You want that person to be happy that's why you went and do all those things but in the end, your plan would mean nothing and she cries despite of what you've done for her on that night. You know how that feels? The second time i disappeared during our monthly anniversary. Hung out with one of my friend at prangin and thinking what surprise would i be giving her on that night. But i couldn't think of anything better because everything pretty much uses money.  So i wrote paper by paper of one small stack and handed in to her with an ice cream. But she felt sad instead. She was upset instead of what i'd hope for. FAR from what i was hoping for. To at least see the smile on her face and the stuff that i do would be paid off. Would at least worth it when the aim or the objective that i aimed for really happened and that is to see her smile or laugh because of me, because of what i did for her. But she didn't. She was upset because i didn't really reply her. Because i thought that she would be curious and wondering where i would be or what i'd be doing on the anniversary or expect something better. But negative thoughts won her over. And she got upset because she thought that i didn't care for her. After all those things, she thought that i didn't care for her. Would it seems so that i what i did still wasn't enough to gain her trust? Maybe her ex did better than me but he misused her trust. I tried to gain her trust but because of not having to trust someone, she broke in tears if i disappeared. And at the very least i have a reason for disappearing. I wouldn't just disappear on purpose or anything. Either i was doing something at that time, either i was out of credits, either my phone notification didn't ring loud enough and i must have missed it but i checked it from time to time. But well... i promised her. She said in her facebook status that i broke my promise again. She asked the audience in her blog whether or not she should fall in deeper. And she had doubts that she shouldn't care so much? I follow her blog every single day. Call me a  stalker but i want to know what she did, how she felt because the problem was she couldn't tell me.But whatever that was on my mind, i would tell her. Im not trying to complain about her or anything and i could say that I WILL PREFER HER THAN THAT PIECE OF SHIT last time. And i would want to treasure her like Sam told me to like no one else. And i told myself that i would want her to be my first official girlfriend and my last and no more any other. But i really wonder sometimes, what would it really takes to become the guy for her and to be there for her to listen to her problems and to make her understand that telling me the problems wouldn't make my day go bad or anything but i would try to help her instead? I could be more than her boyfriend for her. I could be there for her as friend as well. I could be there for her as a brother or anybody. As long as this "anybody" that she would TRUST and tell things to and both of us would have our own gossips, out own secrets and our own shares and not bother about anybody else in the world. But i really wonder... what would it take to make her understand that. What can i do to make her trust me?