Fighting On

17th January 2013

Last night i was about to bring my tu boh kia home from my house that time, cause she came over to my house because she knew that she was going to be alone the whole day and saying "i go your house do homework," was one of the best thing that she said to me and i was glad. That was after playing basketball with a group of my school friends that stayed back So usually i'd go there and play with them since there's no one to play with around the housing area. So when i was about to bring her home, i went into my sister's room to ask her to go shower. She was still on the phone with someone. Earlier i heard my mum said that she was only given 10 minutes left and she over used the time and continued chatting. I asked her to go shower and everything that i asked her to do is what she's supposed to do and i'll talk to her nicely at first. Its her response that changes the voice that i give when i talk back to her. she talked back to me asking me to wait and she said that she wants to say bye to the one that she's talking to. Saying bye wouldn't take more than 5 seconds right? But she can't do it. Stupid girl. She asked me to get out of the room instead in a manner of a person as if she's elder than me. What a rude small little girl. I have a list of complains about her actually. The endless list. I try to be the best brother that she can have but will she be willing to do her part as well? A long road ahead to know and find out more and i must still reach the end with the strength to fight on.

Wordless Thoughts.

20th January 2013

Yesterday, me, kahan and weng yew went to give tu boh kia a ride home because earlier she realized that she misplaced her wallet where her license will be. So she told me that she's got a ride there but no ride home. And so i offered her a ride when she is done with her marching. At the meantime after having a phone chat with her, it was supposed to be a short chat but then i missed her at that time and i didn't want to close the phone because i was indulged in the feeling of hearing her voice at that time. And at the same time, i was in the middle of the bloody traffic jam after. First it was because of my stupid bike which got a tire puncture at some point. The night before it was still okay and in good condition and every other day after that the puncture takes place. What, did it wait till i wasn't looking and then let the air out? anyways, at the beginning i thought that i was running out of air and on the way there was the shell petrol station and i thought i could insert some air. But unfortunately the rubber that stored the air within the tyre split and came out. Once it did, it got caught in the rims and f**ked up everything. And i pushed my bike to the repairer because at that time he haven't open shop yet so i couldn't wait because the main priority at that time was to get my sister to school first. I thought of asking tu boh kia first but remembered that she wasn't available. I sms-ed kahan at that time and i remembered that he had class cause although it was a weekend but its just the beginning of the day before the real weekend. Would have asked Sam if it wasn't because of him being in China. Anyways there was the short list of people that i would ask and the last person on earth that i wanted to ask was Azman. I gave him a call but he didn't pick up. For a moment i didn't know what to do so i asked my sister to stand under a shady place because she had to carry her bag and her books while i stood there with my bike and think before pushing it to the lorong. Then i remembered my car. The car that i haven't started in a fortnight. So i decided to try because the battery was a changed one and it was because the previous one not starting because didn't start engine for a long time. So i were to risk that or look through the list of people that could help. I can't call my mum because she has to come back all the way from work. So both of us walked all the way back and took the car. Fortunately when i turner the key, the engine started. There wasn't any petrol left and luckily i had 20 bucks. Pumped petrol and got caught in a traffic jam but was only late a couple of minutes for my sister. So most probably she wouldn't get into trouble. After that i knew i had to get back to tu boh kia cause her stuff was with me and she have to go back to school for marching later that day. I called her and i told her that i wasn't sure if i can make it. Athough it was last minute but i thought at the very least i told her and maybe if im really late then at least she had a backup plan or at least the time to think of a backup plan. That was when i talked to her on phone and extended the short talk. After that i went to fetch weng yew because i was only around the area and he wanted to come over for an overnight but in the end he got into a wee bit of trouble because of it. Biasa lah ;D at 4.30 i went to pick tu boh kia up and was a little late. She came out after me calling her and she said bye to a guy and he was rather tall. so i didn't really bother. So she came over to my house to shower and slept for the rest of the day until we went to get kahan for dinner because this dear friend of mine has problems at at home with his family members but that's another story. After that we went for shopping at tesco. bought a few things and went home to put the stuff before fetching tu boh kia home. Carried her up because her legs were "Sour". Gave her a hugs and kisses and went off dropping kahan home before going home.
Today i was pretty much angry about certain things. One, my bike being a bitch. Doesn't listen to me, not really reliable, fuel eater, bad engine, only have three gears and best of all, tire punctures the day after when no one uses it the night before. Funny right? Second, i went to the internet cafe with weng yew to check out a game that he introduced and wasn't really happy about it because first, the game didn't allow me to change weapons in the last few rounds and weng yew wouldn't want to change comps with me, or at the very least sacrifice and change for once and let me happy a bit BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE WONT UNDERSTAND SUCH SIMPLE THINGS THAT COULD AT THE VERY LEAST MAKE ME HAPPY. i didn't want to break it up to him in front of him because i know this wouldn't end good. Oh yeah and i got a cut on my finger because of him also. So i told my tu boh kia that i miss her but that moment when she says that i miss someone else whether a guy or a girl more which is not true. and sometimes i didn't know how to argue back. Sam came back today and i was with him right after coming back from sending weng yew home. I was texting with tu boh kia all the way and when she asked if i was with sam at that time i said yes but i was afraid of what comes after in the reply which could be that she may say something like "then nevermind lar, dont want to disturb you liao," or something like that. Anyways, too tired to think. My tu boh kia planned that tomorrow we're going to watch movie tomorrow and its going to be horror show. the feeling of afraid that i have when she said that she may be going to watch with other guys or her friends if i dont watch with her. And i could tell that she was disappointed and she started sending me short texts as if she doesn't want to text anymore but i understand that her mood is out. But couldn't it be a little more positive? When this happens, i dont know what to do. I continued no matter what but she didn't reply anymore so i gave her a call and i couldn't really make out of what she was saying but she said that she was tired so i didn't want to bother her anymore and asked her to go to sleep. So it was all nice till that moment when i told her that i dont have enough money and might not (MIGHT) not watch the horror show. When i asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. But there's always something behind the nothing and she wouldn't tell me and i have to find it out myself. This is when i remember when i have to dig out secrets that she keep, she told me that one of her godbrothers which is very close to the family, manages to dig out her problems and secrets without fail and i've never forgotten it since the day she told me and i thought maybe i could do better? Maybe i can be the same? But why be the same when i can be that someone special to her. How i wish she would tell me her mind and heart and so would i in return. But still... more of the times to come and i have to think of a way? perhaps? Surprises would have worked but both times tried. both time failed. but it doesn't matter now. What's bygones let it be. i just look forward to see her smiling. Other than all of this, my sister is also another issue and my mum and i are trying to figuring ways to get to her. But most of it unfortunately been misunderstood by my tu boh kia. But seldom now. Anyways, to tired and to frustrated to think any longer. I'll just get some rest for tonight. Peace out :)
PS: hope for a new day the moment i wake up but then my baby piggy would be out of her house and start running around my mind for the rest of the day already. ;D

We have our own lives to live but lets live it together?

14th January 2013

Baby, this i write to you, and more to come for the rest of the days that you are going to bear with me. Im going to say to you and i will say it to you this time that i will always belong to you and nobody else because i've already made you my first and my last and i promise you this that i wont leave you because of another girl for i know that is not worth it. If it is so, then for the next girl to come i would leave her because of another girl as well. So i might as well not start something that i can't end and be with you for the rest of my life. I want to be with you for as long as i can and i want to treasure you and hold you close to my heart for as long as i can because you're the only tu boh kia in this world that would tell me things and do things for me that nobody else in the world have ever done to me before. So far, as far as i know, i've already built a house for you in m heart and only you can stay there and as you know, every single day from the moment i open my eyes every morning, you come into my mind already. You would go out of the house and start running around my mind. Im curious how you can get the infinite energy and not getting tired of running around my mind all day. And yes baby, i think of you all the time whenever im doing something and some of the things i do it for you. There are a lot of things more to be done and i want to do some of the things for you baby. Because i want you to know that you are the only one there for me and to do all those things for you, they are only done for one person only and that is my tu boh kia. My baby piggy. I wont let anyone replace you baby, because frankly, you're the only girl that would fall in love with a guy like me. haha! :D but doesn't matter, all it matters is that you're mine and no one can snatch you away from me! muaaahhahahahah selfish me! But baby, i know sometimes i may have broken my promise for not replying your message or disappear all of a sudden but those are the replacements for the times that i owe you for tickling. ;) so one time disappear, add another hour of tickle. So since i still owe you less than a day, then add it into the account. i dont know if it works but you know my weakness. hahaha. How i wish we can have our own secrets. How i wish you would tell me what are you sad about and rather than letting me find out by myself and that would ruin my day and that's what being together is all about right? Being there for each other. Being there to take care of each other and we got each other's back no matter what happens. Because in speaking terms of military and a soldier, we never leave a team mate behind. So baby, i want you to trust me. I dont know if im doing good enough for you or anything but i will keep trying till the day you tell me "I trust you," this three words. I know and i understand its hard to trust someone again after one of your trust that you have given someone and that someone broken it. But you can have all the time you want darling. I will be trying. I will be waiting. I want you to be mine forever baby and i want to share all my secrets with you and all the stuff together. and only you. I know i have my own life and you have yours. But i wanna tell you also that you're mine now and im yours too. So take care of me baby? And one more thing baby, i've never failed to say it although sometimes i dont say it is because i want to make those three words as special as possible. But baby, i want to mean those words as well and i love you more than the stars that you can count in the sky at night. And i will keep on loving you till the day you found another guy that's much more worth to your keeping or a guy that can do things better than i did. But even when that day comes, i will always remember that i once loved fell in love with my baby piggy. :) 

Lots of love,

Your Tu Boh  ;D

Today is the tomorrow that you worry about yesterday

There is a time when you know something is totally wrong and you just wanna fix it but you just figured that you can't just fix it like that but you have to go all the way around to fix the problem. So yes, i haven't been blogging in awhile and its been "Awhile" since i've been here. I've been here a couple of times a day to check on someone's blog to see if there are any "interesting" updates. So there it goes.

First of all, spending the precious time with my tu boh kia has never been better. :) i would hug her all day if its possible because i'd proudly say that she's my first official girlfriend that has done things for me that not one girl has ever done for me before. Yes, that girl, that girl that is beside me is the girl that is going to take care of me and im even thinking of marrying her next time? hahaa but i really hope that i could be the guy to marry her. And i wouldn't want to give her up to another guy because she's my first and my last and she treats me like no one else. I really wish we can have more of our own secrets. I want to be her guy that she could trust, she could rely on and she would only understand like no other person and i wouldn't want to let her go just as i know she wouldn't let me go that easily. But she said in her blog that she had doubts that she dont know if she should care more or she should fall into this love much deeper. But i've told her before that she can have all the time in the world. I could wait for her and i will love her more and more until the day that she find another person that love her more than i do? Not too sure but until the day she let me go, then i guess at that time i would have time to sulk and feel guilty about what i've done whatsoever. But that's another story. What matters is that im with her now and i love her for who she is. As someone that i treat as family. ;D I really hope that she can know this one day and to love me back and to trust me all the same. And i love you tu boh kia! :D

Please trust me, darling...

16th January 2013

You know how sad it is to know that you're trying to get someone. You're trying your best to win her trust and in a a way telling that person with not only words but to show that person that you're different and you're like those other people that actually hurt her or not be her guy. I don't know if this is it but i was willing to try. I really do appreciate the fact that she took the effort to make things for me. She made cookies, would tell me that she wont let me go that easily and she would hug me and tell me that im hers and hers only and that she loves me. I feel really really happy when she told me that because no one has ever done that truthfully from their heart to me before except for my mum. Other than that, eventhough if they did, it would mean just merely words and they are just brotherly or sisterly love and nothing as special as the words coming out from the person that you truly love. So that's how i felt when she told me that as she hugged me tight. I felt really happy. As in so happy that it gave me the energy to continue on doing what im doing to make her happy with more surprises and things that in my mind, she would like it and she would be happy about it. 

I have been telling her things that i haven't told anyone before from life experiences to jokes that had happened to me through my daily life. I would share with her. I want her to think that both of us have our own secrets and we have our own space and its like the world doesn't matter as long as we're together. I wish i could tell her this but im still actually working on a way to tell her that by showing her that im not like other guys. I tried to break my promise but to trust in the pinky promise, perhaps it is my fault to disappear. But at the very least, i didn't just ignore the problem and continue moving on as if nothing happened and i'd tell her what have i done and where did i go if i disappeared. But the thing was, im not sure if that's a good thing to do because she goes sad as i told her. She gets upset because of it and i just wont want her to be upset but ever since for a once or twice, she got sad because i disappeared but in return, i thought of giving her a surprise. She thought that i'd be going out with other girls. She thought that i didn't have time for her. She thought that i disappeared because i went out with another girl because there was the first time when i lied to her and telling her that i was going out to find other girls but in reality, i went over to her house with an ice cream and a small surprise. Because she said that she wanted a mask. So i went to buy the ice cream and that mask for her. But she was crying. I wanted her to laugh but she was crying. You want that person to be happy that's why you went and do all those things but in the end, your plan would mean nothing and she cries despite of what you've done for her on that night. You know how that feels? The second time i disappeared during our monthly anniversary. Hung out with one of my friend at prangin and thinking what surprise would i be giving her on that night. But i couldn't think of anything better because everything pretty much uses money.  So i wrote paper by paper of one small stack and handed in to her with an ice cream. But she felt sad instead. She was upset instead of what i'd hope for. FAR from what i was hoping for. To at least see the smile on her face and the stuff that i do would be paid off. Would at least worth it when the aim or the objective that i aimed for really happened and that is to see her smile or laugh because of me, because of what i did for her. But she didn't. She was upset because i didn't really reply her. Because i thought that she would be curious and wondering where i would be or what i'd be doing on the anniversary or expect something better. But negative thoughts won her over. And she got upset because she thought that i didn't care for her. After all those things, she thought that i didn't care for her. Would it seems so that i what i did still wasn't enough to gain her trust? Maybe her ex did better than me but he misused her trust. I tried to gain her trust but because of not having to trust someone, she broke in tears if i disappeared. And at the very least i have a reason for disappearing. I wouldn't just disappear on purpose or anything. Either i was doing something at that time, either i was out of credits, either my phone notification didn't ring loud enough and i must have missed it but i checked it from time to time. But well... i promised her. She said in her facebook status that i broke my promise again. She asked the audience in her blog whether or not she should fall in deeper. And she had doubts that she shouldn't care so much? I follow her blog every single day. Call me a  stalker but i want to know what she did, how she felt because the problem was she couldn't tell me.But whatever that was on my mind, i would tell her. Im not trying to complain about her or anything and i could say that I WILL PREFER HER THAN THAT PIECE OF SHIT last time. And i would want to treasure her like Sam told me to like no one else. And i told myself that i would want her to be my first official girlfriend and my last and no more any other. But i really wonder sometimes, what would it really takes to become the guy for her and to be there for her to listen to her problems and to make her understand that telling me the problems wouldn't make my day go bad or anything but i would try to help her instead? I could be more than her boyfriend for her. I could be there for her as friend as well. I could be there for her as a brother or anybody. As long as this "anybody" that she would TRUST and tell things to and both of us would have our own gossips, out own secrets and our own shares and not bother about anybody else in the world. But i really wonder... what would it take to make her understand that. What can i do to make her trust me? 

Her Trust.

15th January 2013

Today was just one of those normal days when i'd go for what i had planned from the beginning of the day and go on with it for the rest of the day. Today i felt rather uneasy. At some point somewhere during the day.  But aside from that, i did do all the things that my mum asked and did it immediately and tried to continue doing house chores before i went out to join her for lunch. Not only her but with my grandparents as well, because my grandma has been to Aussie for the entire year so today since she came back so might as well go alone with the lunch. One simple lunch. Listened as she told stories about how was the life there and then she came back and the complains about the maids that my mum hired to clear and clean her house because her house is rather big so if she were to clean it herself then it wouldn't do any good for her leg. It has been growing weak. Anyways, earlier i planned to go eat with my baby piggy at genting right after her school. But then then i was late a few minutes cause i got caught in the lunch and i had to wait for the rest to finish then only i'd be dismissed. Then when i got there, there were people and students that just came out, as usual. But i didn't see her bike taking rounds that is if i thought that she came out early. But i didn't see. So first thing that came into my mind, she may be waiting for me at the eating place there. I parked my motor and went and check and waited in case if she was taking rounds again and maybe got caught in the jam cause since it was after school, presumably there's going to be a lot of cars and vehicles. Waited for awhile and i got her call and she said that she was already home. Then never mind. Was rather disappointed because plan failed. And this plans that had failed wasn't the first time but it was my fault for being late. So perhaps next time i'll remember this day and not be late.

When i got there, she told me that she had a headache. First thing that came into my mind was where was the nearest convenient store or any store that actually sells medicines so that i could buy her something to take away the pain in her head. But then she preferred to go to sleep and asked me to leave. I feel really sad and really scared the moment she asked me to leave. So i didn't just want to leave like that so i wanted to make her feel that i want to stay with her as long as i can before i go to play basketball. She asked me to fetch her to one of her besty's house but then i couldn't because i had promised my friends that i would go to play basketball with them back in high school. The thing was, that seemed to be the wrong choice to take. I felt really bad. I already promised my friends and the school ended at 2.10. Usually there was going to be a lot of people but then i knew that those people would hog up all those courts and not let the rest of us play because they sorta chicken out i guess? I chose to stay with her a little longer. It didn't matter if my friends were there or not. I was never going to know if by the time i arrive at school, there was going to be people left to play or everyone as gone home? I never knew. But it all mattered that i was with her at that time. Since i was going to play basketball then i could at the very least keep her company till she sleeps and get some rest and then go to her tuition with a healthy and feeling much better mind. I was with her at that time and that was way past the time that i was supposed to be there but she wasn't feeling well, so i went ahead and keep her company for a little while longer. I mean... doesn't hurt to do so right? Another thing was because i wanted her to know, that perhaps if i can keep my promises that i made to my friends, then i would keep the promises that i made to her. That was what was on my mind at that time. But it seems that she gets upset whenever i disappear and with reasons that i will explain to her later on of the day. But that was another story. I didn't want to disappoint her but it seems that whatever i do, its just not enough to make her as happy as she can knowing that i wont disappoint her. She was disappointed today because i disappeared again and that was because suddenly my mum asked me to go to tesco to buy some stuff for her. And then after that i continue with the plan to visit her. Before that i was having food. I played basketball and went home almost at about 7 and i had a bad stomachache. I cleared my bowels and then searched for food. I was eating for the past 1+ hours cause there was nothing left in my stomach. That was one of the reasons why i couldn't reply her because after eating, i straight went for my shower and then went to tesco buy things and then go on to her house for a visit. I thought that if i couldn't accompany her in the afternoon then maybe i could make it up to her by accompanying her till she falls asleep? Well it didn't work. I ride home after buying the stuff to give my mum her stuff and was already on the way there when she called and told me that she was already going to sleep and she doesn't need me to come anymore. I was a little sad at that time. But i hid that behind a laugh and continue joking with her and enjoyed listening to her voice through the phone. But it was a house phone so it was going to be expensive. And to me, if i can give her the smallest surprise, even if i can, i would give her that surprise because i would imagine that she would be happy. But when i got there, i couldn't call her handphone as usual. Everytime when i reach there, i couldn't call her phone for some apparent and frustrating reason. STUPID DIGI! Anyways, i stood there for awhile and kept on trying to call her by any means. But i couldn't get through. Dont know i stood there for how long but finally when i got to her house phone, she talked for awhile and then my phone ran out of credits. THAT WAS MY ONLY HOPE OF CONTACTING HER WHEN IM OUTSIDE!!! BUT ITS GONE. So i waited outside for awhile and can't think of anything to do. If i were to call her, it wouldn't be a surprise anymore. But i had no choice. If i were to walk away then she may be even more disappointed that i didn't come. So i called out her name and her mum opened the door. I went in the room and she was already upset because i disappeared. But by means of my disappearing, i couldn't reply due to the reasons that i have said on the above. Anyways, i tried to make her smile. I tried to make her laugh but my jokes and the things that i do would not work. No matter how much funny i try to be she wouldn't laugh or smile. But at that time instead, she told me to go home because she was already going to sleep. Then i tried to tell her out of it that i came to visit her and to make it up to her because of not accompanying her and couldn't fetch her that afternoon. But what i did was not enough. I just need to try a little harder. I was kinda disappointed when she said that she wouldn't want to fall deeper into the relationship and wouldn't want to try as hard as she did before because she got dump by some punk ass bitch that took her as a housemaid  instead of a real girlfriend. So i had to understand that she could fully trust me and she could fully fall into it when she is ready and so i told her that she can have all the time that she needs. I was upset. I was rather disappointed but i had to understand. So i swallowed all that pile of crap and continue doing what i'm doing and i will continue doing until the day that i can really fully gain her trust. Don't know when that day is going to be but i just gotta continue hoping and believing. Anyways she told me to go home that time and it was late. but i told her that i could stay a little while and accompany her till she sleeps. she didn't want at first and i felt a little hurt inside when she told me to go. And i thought, so much for making her happy and now look what i have done. And i couldn't force her to let me stay, its her house after all and i have to respect her. But she changed her mind because her eldest brother went out and left one of the rooms empty. We went in and lay down. I wanted to talk to her and have a chat share some stories like always but then i was afraid that tomorrow is going to be the replay of today as in her having a headache so i just let her sleep. And here i am now confused and not really sure what else to do. She wouldn't want to tell my her problems because she is afraid that she would end up getting disappointed but nevertheless i would tell her my problems when i can and i know that she will be there to listen to me. I wonder when would be the day when she could tell me the same thing. That she would trust me enough and to tell me her problems that she face and the concept of being together is all about being sad together and being happy together. Piggies look after each other. Sometimes i think, perhaps this is a challenge for me? Perhaps i still have to try harder to win her trust like her ex and to be better than her ex? Because whatever that i do now, such as the plans that i made to surprise her, made her cry instead. Because my plan contents would give her negative thoughts and she would shed tears because she haven't trust me enough yet. So just plain afraid to give her another surprise next time. Anyways, im too tired to continue. This is all that i can think of for now and they are the happenings of for the past few days. This is the update altogether. I couldn't update because i'll be writing on my story instead. :)

Gardia

So i haven't been on the blog for quite a long time cause i had to choose to continue typing or adding on ideas and stuff for the story that im planning to write on and then sell it to people as soon as its done. so im going to start with friends and family to see if those that are interested would want to buy the story that is written by me. im not pretty sure about what's going to be the results but its also one way to start to earn some pocket money before chinese new year comes. 

So this picture (yes, this is the first picture in the whole blog that i have because i didn't know how to upload pictures back then but when i do, i didn't have any pictures to upload. So anyways, to start off, this book that im writing, it used to be a story where there's going to be a lot of gunfights involving monsters, aliens and the humans. And also there are lots of conflicts in there but i started to realize that it teaches no lesson. If i were to read something and well, it wouldn't be much of an interest if i don't get to learn a thing throughout the whole book. So this time im going to add in some of the things such as, there will be stuff that has to do with friendship, love, care and the sacrifices that had to be made whenever the time comes. Although im still not quite used to this new perspective yet but perhaps i could throw in a few comedies as well and what life had taught me so far and perhaps in hopes to inspire people and to tell them indirectly that whatever that they are facing, it is never the end of the world yet to change. 

So there's this thing about the story that im writing and the picture that i had posted is actually going to be the front page at the moment. its the best that i could come up with but i got it from some other place so its obviously not original. But im working the one that i want to do on my own so i dont have to plagiarize. Anyways, that's all that i've been working on for these few days but if anyone, that is the ones who actually reads this blog, could go to the page by the name of "Gardia". This is where its all going to be: updates, the short explanation for the reader about what the book is going to be and more to come later on. So check it out whenever. :) Hope it sparks your interests!