Please trust me, darling...

16th January 2013

You know how sad it is to know that you're trying to get someone. You're trying your best to win her trust and in a a way telling that person with not only words but to show that person that you're different and you're like those other people that actually hurt her or not be her guy. I don't know if this is it but i was willing to try. I really do appreciate the fact that she took the effort to make things for me. She made cookies, would tell me that she wont let me go that easily and she would hug me and tell me that im hers and hers only and that she loves me. I feel really really happy when she told me that because no one has ever done that truthfully from their heart to me before except for my mum. Other than that, eventhough if they did, it would mean just merely words and they are just brotherly or sisterly love and nothing as special as the words coming out from the person that you truly love. So that's how i felt when she told me that as she hugged me tight. I felt really happy. As in so happy that it gave me the energy to continue on doing what im doing to make her happy with more surprises and things that in my mind, she would like it and she would be happy about it. 

I have been telling her things that i haven't told anyone before from life experiences to jokes that had happened to me through my daily life. I would share with her. I want her to think that both of us have our own secrets and we have our own space and its like the world doesn't matter as long as we're together. I wish i could tell her this but im still actually working on a way to tell her that by showing her that im not like other guys. I tried to break my promise but to trust in the pinky promise, perhaps it is my fault to disappear. But at the very least, i didn't just ignore the problem and continue moving on as if nothing happened and i'd tell her what have i done and where did i go if i disappeared. But the thing was, im not sure if that's a good thing to do because she goes sad as i told her. She gets upset because of it and i just wont want her to be upset but ever since for a once or twice, she got sad because i disappeared but in return, i thought of giving her a surprise. She thought that i'd be going out with other girls. She thought that i didn't have time for her. She thought that i disappeared because i went out with another girl because there was the first time when i lied to her and telling her that i was going out to find other girls but in reality, i went over to her house with an ice cream and a small surprise. Because she said that she wanted a mask. So i went to buy the ice cream and that mask for her. But she was crying. I wanted her to laugh but she was crying. You want that person to be happy that's why you went and do all those things but in the end, your plan would mean nothing and she cries despite of what you've done for her on that night. You know how that feels? The second time i disappeared during our monthly anniversary. Hung out with one of my friend at prangin and thinking what surprise would i be giving her on that night. But i couldn't think of anything better because everything pretty much uses money.  So i wrote paper by paper of one small stack and handed in to her with an ice cream. But she felt sad instead. She was upset instead of what i'd hope for. FAR from what i was hoping for. To at least see the smile on her face and the stuff that i do would be paid off. Would at least worth it when the aim or the objective that i aimed for really happened and that is to see her smile or laugh because of me, because of what i did for her. But she didn't. She was upset because i didn't really reply her. Because i thought that she would be curious and wondering where i would be or what i'd be doing on the anniversary or expect something better. But negative thoughts won her over. And she got upset because she thought that i didn't care for her. After all those things, she thought that i didn't care for her. Would it seems so that i what i did still wasn't enough to gain her trust? Maybe her ex did better than me but he misused her trust. I tried to gain her trust but because of not having to trust someone, she broke in tears if i disappeared. And at the very least i have a reason for disappearing. I wouldn't just disappear on purpose or anything. Either i was doing something at that time, either i was out of credits, either my phone notification didn't ring loud enough and i must have missed it but i checked it from time to time. But well... i promised her. She said in her facebook status that i broke my promise again. She asked the audience in her blog whether or not she should fall in deeper. And she had doubts that she shouldn't care so much? I follow her blog every single day. Call me a  stalker but i want to know what she did, how she felt because the problem was she couldn't tell me.But whatever that was on my mind, i would tell her. Im not trying to complain about her or anything and i could say that I WILL PREFER HER THAN THAT PIECE OF SHIT last time. And i would want to treasure her like Sam told me to like no one else. And i told myself that i would want her to be my first official girlfriend and my last and no more any other. But i really wonder sometimes, what would it really takes to become the guy for her and to be there for her to listen to her problems and to make her understand that telling me the problems wouldn't make my day go bad or anything but i would try to help her instead? I could be more than her boyfriend for her. I could be there for her as friend as well. I could be there for her as a brother or anybody. As long as this "anybody" that she would TRUST and tell things to and both of us would have our own gossips, out own secrets and our own shares and not bother about anybody else in the world. But i really wonder... what would it take to make her understand that. What can i do to make her trust me?